Monday, August 17, 2009

She's leaving home.....bye bye

If you've read my blog for the last few months, you'll have some idea about what life has been like.  Awkward.  Terrible.  Crushing.  Tense.  Stressful.  It's been quite awful, there's no way around it.  The anxiety I've felt every day at having to go 'home' and not know how the other person is going to react, has taken it's toll.  And for that reason, after many, many friends said over and over again, week after week, that I had to leave.....I am.  

This time next week most of my life will be in boxes.  And I couldn't be happier.  Life will be out of control, but really, compared to what I've lived through since the 31st of May, when I broke up my 13 year relationship, I can handle not knowing which box has my shampoo in it or exactly where a clean pair of undies might be located.  There is no handbook for these sorts of things, and especially as each person in the relationship breakdown is unique.  Who's to know how you'll react, until you are in that moment.  I've tried as best I could to be fair and reasonable and understanding and considerate in this hurtful situation.  But at the end of the day, simply being at 'home' is causing pain.  I can see it.  Especially when I look in the mirror.

However, each coin has two sides, and the other story arc in my life is amazing.  For I am not moving alone.  Peter, who promised to catch me if I jumped, has kept true to his word and not only tried to hold my hand understandingly and supportively through the last couple of months, but is now leaping with me.  With no doubts and with both feet.  Still grasping my hand tightly.  I am jumping further into the unknown, however I have this amazing sense of calm when it comes to him.  I can feel that this is right.  I know it.  And as I've said before - life is now an adventure taking me into places unchartered.  I've either wandered off the path I was on, or perhaps I've finally found the path I was supposed to be on all along.

I am counting down the days until I move, and with each day ending there is one less moment of anxiety and awkwardness to live through.    What will be interesting though is how I react.  Moving always makes me emotional, even when I'm going somewhere better.  Just the fact I feel dislocated and uprooted, has a profound effect on me.  Tears and plenty of them.  I know in a sense that this is coming, as it always has every time I've moved.  But this time is something quite different.  Peter pointed out that once I stand still, I'm likely to think about what I have walked away from, and the grieving for the end of 13 years may well begin.  I have felt for months that I have been running.  Running to keep ahead of the words yelled at me, ahead of the pain I've caused, ahead of my own emotions.  But the running is slowing and soon I will be still.  Able to exhale and live completely in the moment again.  And the pain will catch up.  I have felt it clipping at my heels for a couple of weeks now.

I am tired of running, and the effect it has had on me.  I needed to do it to get through those awful moments, but I now need to be still.  I need to see my life in 360 degrees and not just focus forward.  I have to see the last 39 years, and understand what has brought me to this point, to be able to take the next step forward.  I have to look honestly at myself and the mistakes I've made and try to learn from them.  And I can't do that while I'm running.

There are still difficult times ahead, and issues I must face.  Changes I must make.  History must stop repeating itself.  Patterns must be broken.  And at 39 I feel that perhaps finally I am at the right time in my life to do this.  And as luck would have it, I have also found the right person to give me the freedom and support to work through things.  I have bought my ticket for the rollercoaster, finally fit the height requirement and  am about to strap myself in for the ride.  Counting down.....three, two, one......

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Love is simple

My dear friend Amy in the UK, sent me a cd of mixed songs she had put together. She had sent it to me months ago when it was my birthday, but due to my world exploding I hadn't really had a chance to look at it. I spent last weekend with Peter, and popped the cd in the stereo. The first song that came on, was one I'd never heard before by the Akron/Family called Love is simple. Peter and I were stopped in our tracks. We looked across the room at one another grinning at the simplicity and loveliness of this song. We had been posting songs to one another via facebook, as we are huge music nuts. These weren't love songs, but in many ways songs about love and people and relationships and life.

Amy's cd fit the bill. She was another girl in love, who found this sentiment in songs not usually thought of as love songs. Peter and I were both blown away. The timing of listening to this cd now seemed like another example of kismet. The Akron/Family song keeps going around in my head. Love is simple.

Easy to say, I know. Especially in context of some of the hard times I've experienced of late, it may seem even a little ironic. But perhaps this sentiment sums life up? I've always listened to people talk about the hardship of their relationships and wondered how they can still battle to keep the relationship going. But then on the other hand, I stayed in a relationship for years that didn't quite fit me properly. I have thought many times that if the relationship was so hard and difficult, then maybe there's a good reason for that. It's not meant to be, no matter how much you want it to be, or how hard you try.

On the flipside, I also know people who have bailed from relationships at the first hurdle. Protesting that the person wasn't right for them, even when I thought it sounded like an issue that could have been worked through. I suppose in reality you never know what truly goes on between people, or even in some people's heads. They stay in bad relationships because it's easier than the alternative, or because they'd rather be in any relationship than none. Or there are people who seem too afraid to really let themselves be in a relationship and look for the exit door and escape routes before they even get to know the other person.

In reality all I know is that love can be simple, when it's the right person. And you need to be honest with yourself to answer that. Really honest. I also know that love is simple, but relationships can be complex. In that sense, when you love someone, you have to face hard things like being prepared to talk about issues, even if this is not your previous behaviour. Breaking bad habits and patterns of behaviour is very hard indeed. But for the right person it's worth it all. And like most things we're afraid of, the reality isn't as bad as the fear. Love should be simple. It should inspire us to be better people. It should make you look at yourself truthfully. It should be all consuming. And it should be amazing. I know how lucky I am to have found Peter. And for him I am trying to break bad habits of the past, because he is worth it. And with that I'll finish quoting the song 'Don't be afraid, it's only love. Love is simple'.