I had to pinch the title for this post from the excellent and heart wrenching song by Blur. I have been wanting to write something for a few weeks now, but life seems a little full. On the 16th April Peter and I have been married for six months. I wanted to write something to mark the occasion. You see, being someone who hadn't seen herself getting married, I had wondered if things would seem different. I wrote about this just after the wedding. It's interesting to see how I feel now.
I have to preface this, with the fact that I think it is more about the people involved, rather than the ceremony or 'piece of paper'. However, saying that, I find myself in a relationship unlike anything I have experienced. Peter is still the missing puzzle piece, that I never realised was missing. Together we make sense. And after six months of being married, I have waves of feelings which overwhelm me. It is quite amazing. We are connected and know that whatever life throws at us, we won't let go of each other's hand. We will always work at things and support each other. Six months in, I have to say, being married is so meaningful, and this relationship has a depth that is comforting and scary all at once. But enough gushing, perhaps...
The other reality is that life goes on. Life...full of it's complexities, hardships, inconveniences, ups and downs. And we've both had a fair share of it over the last couple of months. Five months of house hunting ending in another two near misses last weekend. Essays due for uni, lots of crap going on at work and through all this the distance seems harder, as Peter is still working out of Melbourne. And I guess I realised this week that you can't keep running and pushing, or someone will break. For some reason there is a lot of stress going on out there in the world. Many friends I've spoken to are having a hard time. Planetary alignment? La nina? Who knows? Couple this with the combination of natural disasters and people-power coups (or e-revolution as I read it described), you have to think there is something going on this year.
I was sitting here thinking that perhaps it's a sign to get our houses in order. Have an emotional spring-clean and declutter our lives. Perhaps we should all take a moment to be nice to ourselves and others. Stop running...for some times there is no distance left to run. Maybe it's time to stand still. Appreciate the quiet, and rest our souls. If I'm honest, there are moments when the awfulness of how my old relationship ended still rears it's head. The gamut of emotions from guilt to anger creep in the back door of my brain. I hope this will fade in time, but perhaps I will need to go and talk to someone about it. I also think there are times when we put 'stuff' ahead of ourselves. Obligations like study or work can take up a larger space than they should. When the balance is wrong, perhaps it's time to take some time out!
Right now Peter is on a train back to work, and I have a cat on my lap who is snuggling into me, and enjoying gentle hugs and kisses. I know that being married to Peter is a joy, and that life keeps rolling on, for better or worse. I have been pushing things for about two years now, and I think I need to learn to stand still for a moment. Peter and I need to chill, even if it's just for a couple of weeks. And we need to book a holiday and take a proper break. Here is a photo Peter took of us back in the early days. Standing still. Together. I was just thinking of this image and it makes me smile to see it again. Through it all, I have someone I can be completely myself with. Who listens and understands. And I am so glad I am married to him, every single day.