Monday, April 9, 2012

Time

Time has been on my mind lately.  For the last few months, there just didn't seem to be enough of it.  I was tired and trying to juggle work, study, life and resting.  But alas, there wasn't enough time for all of that.  I tried to make some space, and asked work if I could use some of my long service leave to make time for study.  Unfortunately, after our redundancies last year, we now don't have enough staff to allow for that kind of flexibility.  So, something had to give.  Peter planted the seed of dropping a subject of Uni.  I hated the idea, as if I kept up my pace I could be finished the degree in 18 months.  But it's a terrible feeling, being constantly behind and running to catch up.  I had to concede that the right thing for me and my pressured brain, was to focus on one subject at a time.

I remain enrolled in 'Professional Writing'.  I am really enjoying it, now that I have the space to focus on it properly.  It's hard to come home from work, and just write creatively about a topic of someone else's choosing.  So, I'm disappointed it's going to take me much longer to finish my course, but I'm happy I'll hopefully get to the end in one piece, and not a crumpled exhausted mess.  My husband was right.  It also means that I can now occasionally find some time to write my blog.  I am glad I've persisted with writing this, as I guess it's helping with my study.  Like anything creative, you have to produce a lot of crap before you can get to the good stuff.  It feels quite scary putting my writing to the test, academically.  But sharing my blog via facebook and twitter has helped me get over the judgement fear hurdle...mostly.

So now that I have a little more time, what have I been doing with it? I've been reminded recently how important it is to do things that feed you as a person.  A number of friends have been getting their 'craft' on, and have taunted me to come and join the throng of knitters and crocheters.   It's good to rest your brain and do stuff with your hands.  So thanks to the good people at Meet Me At Mikes I have been using up oddments and making granny squares.  I was also thinking, how I've gotten into a cooking rut.  I just make the same dishes over and over again...like you do when you're tired, and can't think.  So over easter, I've tried two new dishes.  And it feels good to push myself and learn new things.  I've also found space to read.  Read a book of my choosing, not just textbooks or journal articles for Uni.  Easter has also been filled with a bit of sleeping.  I am beginning to feel like a person again, and not just someone desperately chasing their tale as days fly by.

I was watching something interesting on telly yesterday afternoon (while crocheting on the couch).  I was already contemplating 'time' as a writing topic, when along came Professor Brian Cox, with Wonders of the Universe.  I had seen bits of episodes previously, and it kind of freaked me out - with all his chat about the end of the universe.  Sure, it's trillions and trillions of years away, but I wasn't in the headspace to contemplate the sun going out and the death of planets.  It was kind of a downer.  But yesterday I saw him discuss the concept of the Arrow of Time, and the fact there are reasons things happen in the way that they do.  Sure, in the history of the universe, we're kind of a blip, but the reality is that we are all moving forward.  The arrow of time goes in one direction, and slowly but surely things change.  Things can't go backwards, they must go forwards into the future.  I found this thought quite comforting.

And I'm gunna out myself as a bigger nerd than you may have already thought.  I've been digging the reruns of Doctor Who on ABC2.  Not surprisingly, there is a recurring comment about time, from our friendly Time Lord.  Some moments in time are fixed, but others can be rewritten.  I guess this thought, coupled with the 'arrow of time' points to the fact we should move forward and change.  We shouldn't go backwards and keep making the same mistakes over again.  This is hard to do.  We are creatures of habit, and our default setting is to do what we've always done.  And I bet I'm not alone in finding myself sometimes on a different road that somehow lead to the same well-worn spot.  But knowing that the arrow goes forward and that time can be rewritten, we don't have to keep repeating ourselves.  We can change.  In fact, the universe demands it. The future is coming, and it's up to us how we get there.

So, I'm making time for me.  I'm finding the time to learn and try new things.  I'm making time to enjoy my study and my life.  I'm trying to be aware, move forward and try new paths that lead to new places. Afterall, to quote the Rolling Stones, 'time is on my side'.