I haven't written much this year. Partly it's because things have been happening and I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about it, or if I even knew how to. But given some distance, I realised that the events of this year have either pulled people together or pushed them apart. My family are having a hard time.
The last few years we've been focussed on Peter and his Dad's declining health and death. And just as we'd gotten through this and were looking forward to calmer waters, my family has become the focus.
On 2 May this year, one of my nieces died. She was 28. She was disabled and was unique. Her genetic make up wasn't a specific condition, which meant my brother and sister-in-law navigated their daughter's health in the only way they could. A day at a time, learning the subtleties of her non-verbal communication to know when she was happy, being cheeky, annoyed or unwell. I have watched them be incredible parents, showing patience and care and so much love for both their children. But their daughter's health meant their lives were occassionally a roller coaster of doctors and hospital visits. A few years ago, after a very scary period of their daughter's health, they decided to retire early. They bought a caravan and equipped it with everything required to ensure their daughter could travel. They set up their own instagram account, and highlighted traveling around Australia with a child in a wheelchair. They wanted to ensure that their daughter experienced warm beaches and sunshine, fresh air and sceneic views.
And then one day she became unwell. The illness couldn't be shaken. My niece went to hospital and the roller coaster began again. My sister-in-law did an incredible job of keeping everyone updated via text. My brother and SIL took turns in hospital shifts and home to sleep and look after their son. But after about ten days in hospital things took a turn. I received some of the most honest and heartbreaking texts from my sister-in-law. Paliative care was now the focus. Then, in just over 24 hours, my niece had died.
During those last days, there were many text messages between my brother, sister-in-law and nephew and I. Faced with the worst thing imaginable, everyone said the things we'd never said to each other but always thought. I am so proud of who they are as people and as parents. We love them and would be there if they needed us. We also wanted to be a people they could talk to, or just listen as they processed their grief. In those incredibly sad moments I was struck by how I felt so close to them all. This open communication door hasn't closed. I feel things have shifted to a deeper place, which feels very special. Maybe this is a gift my niece gave us. In her passing, she highlighted to us all what is really important - love and connection, openness and honesty.
This is in contrast to the other issues that are pushing people apart. My eldest brother has had multiple strokes. The last one, a few years ago, impacted him severely down one side of his body. He was in rehabilitation for a while before being dischanged to live with my Mum. His rental had steep stairs and he wasn't able to return home until another round of tests had been completed. Finally home he tried to return to work part time. Your drivers' licence gets removed after a stroke until you can pass a barage of tests. He struggled to commute to Melbourne for work and it became clear to his employer that he couldn't work as he used to. So he lost his job. Without income, he couldn't pay his rent. He had no option but to move back in with my Mum in her retirement village home. At 65 on Jobseeker he has struggled to get work. I fear he was appling for managers roles, like the one he was employed in when he had his stroke. He hasn't faced the fact his life is changed forever. Maybe different type of work would be better for him. His emotions (including crying and anger) are all over the place. He didn't take up the offer for psychological support after the stroke. I have watched as my 88 year old Mother has become his carer, at a time in her life when she is not is great health. To top it off, after getting his licence back, he was hit by another driver and essentially lost his car and has no money for another or to rent anywhere of his own. He seperated long ago from his wife, and his girl friend began ghosting him after the stroke and is no longer part of his life. His kids are young adults and live in Melbourne. He hasn't maintained any friendships and without my Mum, would be homeless.
For the last couple of years he has lived with my Mum. Taking over her quiet life and most of the space in her house. But nearly a year ago the owners of the retirement village highlighted that people in the village could only have someone stay with them for three months. My eldest brother is long over that limit and is being asked to leave. This is putting stress and strain on my Mum's health. I've sent info to my Mum regarding rental assistance and emergency housing support in their area. Giving contact details for multiple organisations to speak to. My other brother and sister-in-law have tried talking to Mum about getting my eldest brother to move out. Offering to help her have the difficult conversation and assist her in moving this situation forward. But my Mum has resisted all support.
The worst part of this...my eldest brother is being catfished. For the last few years he believes he is in a relationship with a famous hollywood actress. Yes, really. He keeps saying he's going to the U.S. and she has work lined up for him. Now more recently, she's planning on moving to Australia and will collect him, and they will drive off happily into the sunset together. As much as we have all tried to explain to Mum that this is a scam (or maybe he's talking to a sad lonely person) she doesn't understand. My eldest brother's fantasy life means he won't move forward in his reality. His famous girlfriend will come and save him from the awfulness of his situation. So he won't investigate finding emergency housing for himself.
Peter and I, and my other brother and sister-in-law are at our wits end. In all the research I've done, people being catfished behave like they are in a cult. It's their reality and they have bought into it. You can't use logic as it doesn't fit with their reality. As my eldest brother takes up all of Mum's space, I don't get to talk to her like I used to. After Dad died I'd begun asking her about her life and getting to know her life stories. We have been very close. But now I'm lucky to get a 10 minute chat on the phone. I can see how her mental health is impacted by the pressure of my brother being there and being asked by the retirement village to move out. And if I visit her, he is like a ball of negative energy in her home. I feel as she gets older I have lost time with her I can't get back. The window for these talks about her life are closing. Her life has taken over by my eldest brother as she feels it's her responsibility to help 'as no matter how old he is, he's still my child'. A while ago I reached out to my other niece (my eldest brother's daughter) to garner her perspective. She adores my Mum but doesn't want to visit her as my eldest brother's "delusions" are impacting her mental health.
This situation has divided the family and although those of us on the outer are united in supporting each other, we all feel like spectators watching an accident happen in slow motion. We are pushed apart from the bubble of the weird co-dependant reality. The stress of this situation is like a pebble dropped in a pond. The rings of stress radiate out from their dramtic epicentre and impact us all in waves. I oscilate between trying to figure out how to intervene, to feeling utterly helpless and weighed down by the impact on my own mental health. I don't think anyone can see how this will end.
Pull together. Push apart. Families are complex.
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