Is everything old new again?


I'm disappointed that I haven't had time to write lately.  I have been busily working on a huge project at work and I also started Uni.  Hmm....it's taken a little while to get my head around what I'm doing and who knows if I am on the right track there with my writing?  I guess I'll find out when I get my essays back!

But as I mentioned, I've been involved in a huge all consuming project at work.  It has taken months and months of planning and long hours but we finally pulled it off.  The library where I work was turning 50, and I was part of a team curating an exhibition and producing a website with an online memoryboard.  Sounds fun, huh?  Well - it was, but also exhausting.  We had a party to launch the exhibition and salute the library.  This involved inviting VIPs, guest speakers and ex and current staff.  In all, over 200 people had rsvp'd.  

For laughs some of us tried to dress inspired by the time the library opened - 1959.  I'm afraid I don't really conform to 1950s-dom, so opted to be inspired by some of the early student photos we found from 1964.  Much more me.  I ransacked boxes which housed my old clothes and it felt like visiting old friends.  I was an avid op-shopper and market raider in my 20's.  However - disappointingly - I don't have the same body I did in my 20's.  But some colleagues borrowed bits and I wore a great necklace which wreaked of 60's design.

Heavy black eyeliner, false eyelashes, pale lipstick and a slight hint of a bouffant hairdo - and I was good to go.  As we walked towards to party, nerves consumed me.  We had worked so hard for so long for this moment.  The thought of the library being filled with so many people completely threw me.  I realised I was walking along, head down, trying to compose myself.  My dear colleague and friend Morfia stopped me seconds before we met the crowd.  She looked into my eyes and said 'you are not the person you were when you wore these clothes'.  I was floored.

It was true.  Sometimes the shy kid comes back to haunt me when I least expect it.  It must seem weird to some, that the person in quasi-fancy dress is completely bricking it inside.  But there is the complex part of being human.  It feels sometimes like no matter what I do or achieve, the insecure part of me is always there.  It is an eternal struggle.  I wonder what it will take to change this - or is this forever branded part of my character?  We all have moments when we drop our head and fear we are not good enough.  But luckily I have wonderful people around me who will stop me and make me realise how far I have come.  Thanks Morf.  So here's a photo I took of myself on the night.  Head up.  Looking forward.  Smiling at the world.  Now - I need a good lie down. 

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