Life - or something like it

Well - it's been awhile since my last post.  I was planning my next piece of writing to be on relationships.  I had the idea of discussing how relationships are about compromise....but at what point do you begin to feel compromised?  Yes - all this navel gazing of late has had quite an effect on me.  You see - for a while now I've wondered exactly how happy I am.  On the surface and in many ways even day to day, I've been happy.  Ask everyone who knows me, they'll tell you I am.  But things were changing in me, and maybe it was turning 39 or meeting new people, or perhaps all these things and the fact I was beginning to feel brave enough to look within myself and be honest.

It's been tough.  I think I've mentioned before, that I'm a plodder.  I've been at the same workplace for 21 years (quite a few different jobs there though!), I was with my first boyfriend for over 9 years (since I was 15) and I've been in the current relationship for 13 years.  I say all this and it sounds like madness.  I can hardly believe it myself.  But here I was, steady job, relationship, mortgage and.....   You see, that was the problem.  I had felt like I was treading water for the last few years.  I was with someone who had declared many years ago that his intention was never to get married or have kids.  So - if this was the case still, where did that leave me?  Was the relationship great enough to compensate for me giving up these things?  And that was part of the problem, my problem, that I couldn't talk to the other person in my life about the fears I held so deep inside me.  So - I defaulted to my natural position, and kept quiet and beat myself up about it all.  I was slowly driving myself mad and becoming quite depressed about where I might find myself at 45.   

And in the middle of this, along came someone.  Someone new.  Someone who was like me and yet so different.  Someone who gave me confidence to look at my life and question if I was with the right person.  Someone who said they would catch me if I fell.   Someone who really liked me, just as I am.  Someone who changed me forever.  And now for this someone, I have changed everything.

The last couple of weeks have been awful.  It's been intense and like an emotional rollercoaster.  It's not really where I thought my life would be going at all.  But it's taken a sharp left turn, and there is no going back.  I have caused someone pain and I hate this.  I don't do that well at all.  But, I have to keep focussed on myself.  On my happiness.  I have put my partners happiness before my own for so long, and I can no longer do it.  So, through tears, yelling and heartache I am hoping that I will eventually come out the other side  stronger, happier and going in the direction I'm meant to.  With someone who inspires me, amuses me, supports me and simply loves me - even with all my craziness. 

I never thought I'd find myself in the middle of this, but perhaps if you are brave enough to face your fears and hand on heart ask for what you want in life, you might just find you get it.  I don't know what lies ahead for me.  It's all heading in an unknown direction, in a way.  But my life is headed towards someone new, and that's exciting. To have possibilities, challenges, things to learn, to be inspired completely and to feel that life is waiting for me - well - it's worth all the heartache and upheaval.

I love you Peter.  

Thank you .


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