Guilt Vs Happiness
Here I am people. Blogging from the other side. Yep - I moved and survived. I am now in a place where I can be calm and content and I have the space to process and deal with everything that has happened this year. I posted last time that I was waiting for everything to hit me. The grief, the exhaustion, the 'moment' that I stopped trying to outrun my feelings.
This has been the interesting thing...as so far it hasn't happened. I think many people around me were prepared for the great crumbling moment. And as I sit here, I have come to realise that it might come sometime a little later. Perhaps when other things are sorted out, like what the Ex and I are going to do with the house we bought together. In the meantime I've decided to stop waiting for it, and just try to live each day looking forward.
There have been strange moments, naturally. I had one on friday. I was so happy as the tired fog I was looking at the world through was lifting, and Peter was coming back home after being away at work all week. I was looking out the tram window, listening to Amy's mix music cd that she'd made for me, the sun was shining, I would be seeing Peter that night, and suddenly I felt guilty. Guilty for being happy. So VERY happy.
As I've said previously, I don't do 'the bad guy' thing. Causing someone grief and pain has been awful. It doesn't sit very well with me. And even though I know I could no longer live my life in that old relationship, breaking up is not natural for me. I've missed out on that type of life experience. I know some people are short relationship experts, and break up with people months or a couple of years into the relationship. Nope, not me. My first boyfriend - over 9 years together. And we actually reached a point where we both knew we wanted different things, and looked at each other and in a second knew it was over. This last relationship however, after 13 years, was ended because of my decision.
My dear friend Nej reminded me recently that I will actually drive myself crazy if I worry about what everyone else thinks about my decision. She is right, and it is true. But I suppose what the feeling of guilt shows is that perhaps I am concerned with how I think about myself. I can only align it to other feelings I have blogged about previously. About perhaps not feeling worthy of such happiness and complete joy. Maybe the old habit of the previous relationship/s still lingers in some form, as I find it hard to focus on my own happiness, and am concerned about others' feeling first. I don't like feeling selfish, however I know over time I will sort out in my head, that making myself happy and putting myself first, doesn't automatically mean I'm selfish. There can be a balance. And maybe that's too hard to see from this point where putting myself first has hurt someone.
Peter threw me a curve ball today, as we were reminiscing about how we met and ended up together. He said I had confused him, as when we were meeting up as friends for coffee, I had said that my relationship was 'fantastic'. When he told me this today, I had no recollection of saying it. And it seemed weird as it would have only been a earlier this year. It was hard for me to reconcile saying that, with how I had been feeling. I've had to remind myself, that yes I may have been happy in the day-to-dayness of the relationship, but there were things that made me feel like I was treading water, with my head dangerously close to going under some days.
And again this shows that sometimes I can focus on the positive (such as the good elements of that relationship) and as the feelings of guilt show, sometimes I can focus on the negative. I guess at the end of the day I have to understand that this is me learning. Processing what I've done, from all angles. Letting go and learning to live with the choices that I've made throughout my life. Good and bad, they have all played their part in getting me to this point in time. Creating this person, who is trying to change and strive for REAL happiness. To realise that something I wholeheartedly believe in actually applies to me too....that we are each responsible for our own happiness. I have felt like it's time to stop playing at life, and grow up, be an adult and take responsibility. And perhaps my own happiness is a good place to start.
I hope that the guilt subsides, and that I learn that wonderful mix and balance of my own happiness with the happiness of the person I'm in a relationship with. So far it seems to be working and it's a feeling quite unlike anything I'm used to. And here I am smiling again.