Thursday, October 22, 2009

Where for art thou mediation?

It's been a month since I last wrote something. Time is flying by. In the last couple of weeks I've had to confront my past. Yep - I've been ensconced in this delightful bubble of new flat, and new relationship. The only reminder of the past was my pinching bank account (as I pay for rent and mortgage). But the reality is that if that was the price of freedom and happiness, I have been happy to pay it.

But I can't keep blindly looking forward, without dealing with the reality of what I've chosen. In a sense I have to clean up the mess I've left behind. There have been three encounters with my Ex. First at a party for a friends birthday. It would be the first time in 5 weeks we had been in the same room. We both had the security of friends around us, and for the few seconds we made contact, everything was civil. But then came the phone call I had to make. To sort out the house we'd bought over six years ago. And it was back to the hostility of when I still lived there. I was met with similar rage when we met at the bank. It has been hard for me going back to face the anger. In fact, after the restful, happy bliss I've been living, being around such hatred has been like a punch in the face.

But from this I have learnt many things - firstly, that it doesn't matter what I do or say, there is no way I can NOT look like the bad guy to my Ex. No amount of sympathy, accommodation or consideration will erase the fact that he hates me for what I'm doing. And secondly - I have to be OK with that. As mentioned previously, I don't do being the bad guy, so this is hard. And facing his anger is hard. And having the realisation yesterday that I can't get a mediator or conciliator involved just yet, is also hard. I have to get the ball rolling again, and try to push to get the house sold, while he's still living there. ALL so very hard. It seems daunting and I am at times overwhelmed by the feeling of not really knowing what I'm doing. But I have to start. I had hoped and tried for a win/win outcome, but life isn't always like that.

I also realised that the stress of dealing with this is causing a physical reaction in me. After the bank meeting, I was relieved at the thought of a mediator running interference between me and the ball of hate. I felt lighter. Weightless. But as I sit here knowing that I have to still try to get things done first myself, before I can call in back up, I have a huge knot inside me. In fact I've had a big old sob sitting here at the computer. I wish someone else could do this for me. But they can't. I wish things could be different. But they aren't. I wish so much that I could just walk away from it all. But I know how foolish that is.

So, to borrow a quote:

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage...

OK - well, I'm not planning to disguise my fair nature, but I have to steal myself for battle. No matter how much this pushes all my buttons and insecurities. I have to forge ahead. There's nothing else for it.

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