What a funny time. I've been thinking since the last post, about something I wrote. The whole 'justifying' the situation to myself or to others. A number of people have commented over the last few months that they respect the fact that nothing happened between Peter and I before the Ex became the Ex. And I know that in many ways I'm pleased that they haven't seen what's happened as 'an affair' or anything more 'sordid'.
But when I think more deeply about it all, I wonder about where our collective moral compass lays. Is it better or worse to cheat on someone physically or mentally / emotionally? OK, now I know using the word 'cheat' is loaded with all kinds of connotations. Perhaps I should say 'be attracted to'. But you have to ask yourself, which do you perceive as worse? I think that's a fascinating question. Does one of those things have the word 'sordid' attached and the other 'love'? And yes the reality is that this year I found myself falling out of love with one person and falling in love with someone new.
I had lunch with a lovely friend Sophia the other day. We hadn't caught up in quite a few months, and she said 'isn't it amazing when you meet that one person and almost in an instant you just know they are the one you want to spend your life with'. I had heard this many times before, but I had never felt that lightning bolt until this year. And I hadn't understood it until the middle of the year. The pull towards someone I'd only just met and was beginning to know. But the only word I can use is 'sure'.
I have always thought that you can't be attracted to someone while you're already in a great relationship. And that still rings true for me. If I was completely fulfilled I would still be living my old life. But it wasn't making me happy and the longer and harder I looked at myself and that life, the further I felt myself drawing away.
So what of morality? Well - it makes me think that we all have our own perspective of where that line in the sand is on any given situation. The older I get, the more life seems like a thousand shades of grey. Sure some things, like whaling and a woman's right to choose still seem black and white to me, but many things are the differing shades of inbetween. And we each have our own unique take on the situation in front of us. We bring with us all the life experience we have and project that onto what we are looking at.
So perhaps I feel I was justifying things to myself or to outside observers. But as everyone has their own take, perhaps I now realise I shouldn't feel the need to at all. Life is complex and society will have it's own reading of the moral compass. So all I can do is be true to myself, try to be happy and live a life that is 'sure'.