Saturday, June 27, 2009

The beginning of the end....

It's the beginning of the end, the car went up the hill,

And disappeared around the bend, ask anyone they'll tell you that.

It's these times that it tends,

The start to breaking up, to start to fall apart

Oh! hold on to your heart.

Curiousity becomes a heavy load,

Too heavy to hold, too heavy to hold.

Curiousity becomes a heavy load,

Too heavy to hold, will force you to be cold.

 And do me a favour, and ask if you need some help!

She said, do me a favour and stop flattering yourself!

How to tear apart the ties that bind, perhaps fuck off, might be too kind,

Perhaps fuck off, might be too kind....

Well I was listening to the Arctic Monkeys today and the lyrics of this song keep circling in my head.  As you have guessed perhaps from my last post - my whole life has changed.  I broke up my relationship of 13 years.  It was the most awful and toughest thing I've ever done in my life.  I don't do confrontation, I don't do being the bad guy, I don't do hurting people (regardless of my blog name).  But I had to face the fact that I wasn't happy, deep down.  I was driving myself crazy.  It's been almost a month now since the bombshell dropped.  And it's been quite a month.  It's hard to hurt someone - even if you've felt like they have hurt you.  And knowing that I had been coming to this conclusion over the last few months, while they had no idea, is quite confronting.  I have felt the full force of their pain, and tried to be supportive.  But I have had to cop abuse on the chin and know that this person is lashing out because everything is changing and they don't want it to.  Each day is different and unknown.  It feels like this months has gone for months in itself!

But the flipside to this is I've discovered some things about myself.  I've found that it's really hard to ask for help (no matter how much people offer it) and it's hard to let someone else look after you.  However - there are times in life when you need to let the reigns loose and let yourself be vulnerable.  I needed to turn to friends and to Peter to help me through a really hard time.  If someone is yelling at you, saying awful things as they lash out in their pain, it's hard for it not to seep in a little.  Do I deserve the tirade?  Probably.  Where all the things he said true?  No they weren't.  I know that even though I have hurt someone, I still deserve to be happy.  And I am so lucky that it seems I have found someone who truly does.

One of the most amazing things is the feeling of utter relief.  I have held on so tightly to all the anxiety and unhappiness for so many years.  It was all so deep inside me, where no-one but I could see and feel it.  Occasionally little bits would surface and some friends caught a glimpse of what was really going on with me.  But for the most part it was too painful for me to face it, as the option seemed too overwhelming.  And this is the interesting thing.  When I tell people what I've done, the first thing nearly every single person has said is how brave I am.  I don't feel brave at all.  But I have realised that so many people stay in unhappy places.  For so many reasons.  Sure what I'm doing is awful in so many ways, but what is my alternative?  I was fearful of waking up at 45 and wanting to blow my head off - as I'd feared I'd lived a life I didn't want.  Wasn't truly happy in.  I was on the path to that life, a life less lived.  Why do so many people choose that option?  Because it's easier to stay there.  The hard choice is change.

I am so lucky in that I have someone holding my hand, helping me to get through the tough moments.  And I know not everyone has that.  But I have found myself in a place where the most amazing person has come into my life, and all the things I was scared of missing out on are suddenly on the table.  The life I want can be mine - if I fight for it.  Peter's friend Daniel paraphrased a W.C. Fields quote 'if you kick a man and he stays down, kick him again'.  This is ringing true with me.  I could have been unhappy and stayed there - but I got up and faced life head on.  And no-one will kick me down ever again.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Life - or something like it

Well - it's been awhile since my last post.  I was planning my next piece of writing to be on relationships.  I had the idea of discussing how relationships are about compromise....but at what point do you begin to feel compromised?  Yes - all this navel gazing of late has had quite an effect on me.  You see - for a while now I've wondered exactly how happy I am.  On the surface and in many ways even day to day, I've been happy.  Ask everyone who knows me, they'll tell you I am.  But things were changing in me, and maybe it was turning 39 or meeting new people, or perhaps all these things and the fact I was beginning to feel brave enough to look within myself and be honest.

It's been tough.  I think I've mentioned before, that I'm a plodder.  I've been at the same workplace for 21 years (quite a few different jobs there though!), I was with my first boyfriend for over 9 years (since I was 15) and I've been in the current relationship for 13 years.  I say all this and it sounds like madness.  I can hardly believe it myself.  But here I was, steady job, relationship, mortgage and.....   You see, that was the problem.  I had felt like I was treading water for the last few years.  I was with someone who had declared many years ago that his intention was never to get married or have kids.  So - if this was the case still, where did that leave me?  Was the relationship great enough to compensate for me giving up these things?  And that was part of the problem, my problem, that I couldn't talk to the other person in my life about the fears I held so deep inside me.  So - I defaulted to my natural position, and kept quiet and beat myself up about it all.  I was slowly driving myself mad and becoming quite depressed about where I might find myself at 45.   

And in the middle of this, along came someone.  Someone new.  Someone who was like me and yet so different.  Someone who gave me confidence to look at my life and question if I was with the right person.  Someone who said they would catch me if I fell.   Someone who really liked me, just as I am.  Someone who changed me forever.  And now for this someone, I have changed everything.

The last couple of weeks have been awful.  It's been intense and like an emotional rollercoaster.  It's not really where I thought my life would be going at all.  But it's taken a sharp left turn, and there is no going back.  I have caused someone pain and I hate this.  I don't do that well at all.  But, I have to keep focussed on myself.  On my happiness.  I have put my partners happiness before my own for so long, and I can no longer do it.  So, through tears, yelling and heartache I am hoping that I will eventually come out the other side  stronger, happier and going in the direction I'm meant to.  With someone who inspires me, amuses me, supports me and simply loves me - even with all my craziness. 

I never thought I'd find myself in the middle of this, but perhaps if you are brave enough to face your fears and hand on heart ask for what you want in life, you might just find you get it.  I don't know what lies ahead for me.  It's all heading in an unknown direction, in a way.  But my life is headed towards someone new, and that's exciting. To have possibilities, challenges, things to learn, to be inspired completely and to feel that life is waiting for me - well - it's worth all the heartache and upheaval.

I love you Peter.  

Thank you .