Monday, December 14, 2009

Morality Model

What a funny time. I've been thinking since the last post, about something I wrote. The whole 'justifying' the situation to myself or to others. A number of people have commented over the last few months that they respect the fact that nothing happened between Peter and I before the Ex became the Ex. And I know that in many ways I'm pleased that they haven't seen what's happened as 'an affair' or anything more 'sordid'.

But when I think more deeply about it all, I wonder about where our collective moral compass lays. Is it better or worse to cheat on someone physically or mentally / emotionally? OK, now I know using the word 'cheat' is loaded with all kinds of connotations. Perhaps I should say 'be attracted to'. But you have to ask yourself, which do you perceive as worse? I think that's a fascinating question. Does one of those things have the word 'sordid' attached and the other 'love'? And yes the reality is that this year I found myself falling out of love with one person and falling in love with someone new.

I had lunch with a lovely friend Sophia the other day. We hadn't caught up in quite a few months, and she said 'isn't it amazing when you meet that one person and almost in an instant you just know they are the one you want to spend your life with'. I had heard this many times before, but I had never felt that lightning bolt until this year. And I hadn't understood it until the middle of the year. The pull towards someone I'd only just met and was beginning to know. But the only word I can use is 'sure'.

I have always thought that you can't be attracted to someone while you're already in a great relationship. And that still rings true for me. If I was completely fulfilled I would still be living my old life. But it wasn't making me happy and the longer and harder I looked at myself and that life, the further I felt myself drawing away.

So what of morality? Well - it makes me think that we all have our own perspective of where that line in the sand is on any given situation. The older I get, the more life seems like a thousand shades of grey. Sure some things, like whaling and a woman's right to choose still seem black and white to me, but many things are the differing shades of inbetween. And we each have our own unique take on the situation in front of us. We bring with us all the life experience we have and project that onto what we are looking at.

So perhaps I feel I was justifying things to myself or to outside observers. But as everyone has their own take, perhaps I now realise I shouldn't feel the need to at all. Life is complex and society will have it's own reading of the moral compass. So all I can do is be true to myself, try to be happy and live a life that is 'sure'.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Judgement day

And so it continues. My attempt to get all the shit sorted out. I haven't posted in a while, but that's because it's been a bumpy ride of late. The House. Yep, I'm currently still struggling along and paying rent and mortgage and trying to sort out what to do. Well, I know what I'd like to do. Starts with 'S' and rhymes with Hell. Kinda fitting really.

I went to see a couple of financial advisors last week. We went through a few things and they told me what I wanted to hear. Yep, selling is the best option. I then asked if they'd ring the Ex and explain it to him, as he didn't seem to get it AT ALL! One of the advisors then said, well one day you might be in another relationship and you don't want this hanging over your head. You want to be able to move on. One part of my brain was agreeing with him, the other part was coping with the awkwardness I felt at the comment about my next relationship. I didn't want to say, well, that I was already in it! It's stupid. I'm really happy and I know that my friends who have been on this journey with me, not to mention the lovely Peter, all know the score and how this all panned out. But I felt that if I mentioned to him that this was already an issue, that somehow I would be judged.

It's happened a couple of times. I know to the outside world it looks very much like I dumped one person and started a relationship with another. And I kinda did. However, the process that took me from working through issues in my head since the 2nd february until the 31 May when I exploded my world and said I wanted out, was a long, honest, heartfelt and at times torturous one. The whole 'Peter and I' thing came as much of a surprise to us as it did to anyone else. And hand on heart, I can hold my head high, as nothing happened until well after the Ex and I became the 'Ex and I'. And here I am again feeling like I'm justifying things to people. Or perhaps to myself.

My friend Nej once said that if I worried about what everyone else thought of my decision, I'd just drive myself mad. And she's got a point. The only people this whole issue should concern is Peter and I. And we know how it happened. I suppose, really, what I long for is a day when this isn't an issue at all. When the transition from the old life to the new is completely complete! And there's no dealing with the ghosts of relationships past, there's only looking towards the future.

So after a bit of a bumpy week last week (days of tears), I am finally getting my act together. I've rung real estate agents and am organising appraisals on the house. I have my fingers crossed that the right numbers come up and that means that the Ex and I can agree on how to proceed. Anyone else who wants to cross their fingers for me, would be greatly appreciated.

And as the year draws closer to an end, I realise how much I wish this was all done and dusted. I yearn for all the complications to be over. I simply want to be dealing with just your garden variety, day-to-day relationship issues. To a degree, Peter and I have joked saying that if we can survive dealing with all this crap at the beginning of our relationship, the rest of it should be a walk in the park. Or at least perhaps it shows that we can deal with what ever life throws at us. And, what all this reminds me, is that I have found someone who can deal with the difficulties that life sometimes throws at you....and still keep smiling and hold my hand....and love me.