free?

Happy New Year everyone. I always find this time of year inspiring. New beginnings, fresh starts, leaving the past behind and facing forward to all that the new year has to offer. Hope and promise fill the air. And it's never felt quite so relevant as it does this year.

2009 was a doozy. Who knew what lay ahead for me. I certainly wouldn't have picked it. But here I am, in a place that feels much more like where I am supposed to be. And here I am on the verge. I am again sitting in a nervous place, about to make contact with the Ex. We need to sort out the mess, which is owning a property together with someone you're no longer with. On my way home tonight all I could think of, was how it felt like on my way out of my old life, my foot became caught in a bear trap. I have been trying to get myself onto the path of my new life, but the steel pincers are crushing and restraining me from being able to completely move forward. There have been times when I have cried in pain like an animal caught, and the more I thrashed, the more it hurt. The more I hurt me.

Tomorrow I begin the conversation where I find out if the jaws of the trap will slowly be prized open and my wounded self allowed to make those tentative steps towards complete freedom. I am nervous, but actually the calmest I've been through this whole experience. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm secretly hopeful. Perhaps I am now used to the awkward and awful confrontations. Perhaps I am getting stronger within myself. It could all go tits up, but then I will just deal with the fall out. Whatever steps I have to take, are the steps I have to take. There's no other option. And there's no longer any reason to hurt myself by fretting and worrying about possible outcomes. Any feelings of guilt or anguish about hurting someone, can no longer be used against me. I have my moments of them still, but I am learning to ride them out.

And maybe part of it is because I have so many hopes for 2010. There are many things I have dreamt of, and the amazing thing is that I have a wonderful and supportive person to plan all this with. Someone who makes me laugh, makes me look at myself, makes me see myself differently, makes me brave, makes me happy, and makes me feel an unerring depth of love I was yet to experience before meeting him. My heart is full of joy.

Being so close to the trap possibly opening is almost overwhelming. Peter once said to me that if I jumped he would catch me. Which he did. And I know that when the trap opens and I manage to pull myself free of the past, he will be there to nurse me, should I need it. Who knows what tomorrow holds for me, but as ever, I am hopeful. It is the time of year after all.

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