weakness and strength
Picking up from my last post, the conversation was had. It was also a step in the right direction, but filled with vitriol and abuse. It seems there will be a price to pay for my freedom and happiness. It will not be easy, and it has been a reminder that I will have to be the one who pushes on to get this sorted.
Peter and I were reminiscing the other day. Looking at old emails, and I came across ones where I was telling him about myself. I laughed at the lines I wrote, stating how I don't like to feel weak. How I hate to feel that there are things I can't do. How I will push myself to get what I want. I laughed at this because it is true. In so many ways and about so many things. I suppose in the last 12 months these words have been more pertinent to the bigger things in life, rather than just painting walls, renovating or gardening. Perhaps it is these traits that have helped me through the difficult times since May 31 2009.
I have been yelled at, called names, called a liar, a bitch, a c*nt, and told that I will pay for the pain and suffering caused, been threatened with glassing if I didn't shut my mouth and basically told I should rot in hell. All this from someone who used to love me. I have tried to get through this with some sense of dignity, and not play into the game. I have let things slide and wash over me. I have looked into the face of someone who despises me and tried to keep my head held high. It has been hard, but is getting easier. Perhaps because although there are obstacles still to climb, I can see the finish line ahead. And there will be a time where I don't have to take the abuse anymore.
So many friends are worried that I shouldn't meet the Ex by myself anymore. That I should take someone else with me. But the reality is that there is no one to take. Any friend or family member will just inflame the situation and the paranoia button will be triggered if I contact one of his friends. The only thing I can do is keep going.
Today on facebook a friend who lives in england popped up in chat. I was giving her an update on my situation (which is kind of interesting as she knows me and my Ex). She said many wise things, but it wasn't until I noticed what she had posted on my wall, that my bottom lip began to tremble. Three words. Love you Andy. At a time when I was hating the fact that I felt vulnerable, she reminded me that even from so far away, I have people who love and support me. Who don't think I'm any of the things I have been called. And it made me feel weak and strong at the same time. Funny how that happens.