Life's funny. Sometimes the closer you get to the finish line, the further away it feels. I've had an odd couple of weeks. I was all nerves as my lawyer was worried that things had stalled and was throwing down the threat to go to court. This was designed to get a response, but also to have "plan B" if nothing happened. God - how horrifying. Expensive, traumatic and the last thing on earth I wanted. Luckily, the Ex's lawyer responded and now I've been advised to move forward to get the house sold.

And that's thrilling, but also fucking huge and scary too. This ties into the other reason it's been weird of late. I've been quite down. Not really having any money, and especially not having a car is really getting to me. It's hard to explain how having a car is representative of freedom to me. I grew up in a one car house. My Dad worked shift work, and so Mum was left to juggle three kids mostly on public transport. Everything from grocery shopping, visits to the orthodontist, or anything at all had to be negotiated around Dad's work timetable or the bus schedule. Even to this day, with just Mum and Dad at home together, I know she still feels guilty if she needs the car and that means leaving Dad at home without transport. I'm sure that feeling of guilt has never worked the other way.

I remember saving for my first car. A beat up old Mazda 323, gold in colour and just a bit shabby or pre-loved, depending on how you look at it. But it was amazing. I could go anywhere and anytime I wanted. I'd grab car loads of friends and we'd go to gigs anywhere. The most we ever travelled was one weekend: friday night, to a gig in Geelong, saturday night to a gig in frankston, and then sunday arvo to and all-ages show in Croydon. A car full of girls hula dancing down the freeway to Supergrass's Alright and with tongue firmly in cheek, singing along to the trash of Kiss's I was made for loving you. Life affirming party music which would put a spring in our step and a smile on our faces.

My car also took me to many adventures along the Great Ocean Road. I went camping with my friend Denise, and although we knew each other, we'd not spent 24/7 together ever! We were excited and nervous. On our first night camping, we stayed up and talked for hours in a tiny 2 man tent that used to be my Dads. We both laughed saying we thought we'd build up to the deep and meaningful stuff over the week. But, nope, within hours were were talking about the 'big issues'. To this day I have an amazing flashback near Moggs Creek where we were driving along listening to Nirvana and saw dolphins arching in the waves. Territorial Pissings was on and seemed to sum up the urgency to pull over to the side of the road and rush towards the water to see them enjoying the beautiful sunny day.

I like the freedom having a car gives me. I can do a lot of things on public transport, but it takes all day just to run one errand, where as I used to chase up numerous things on my way home from work. I'm too tired now to even think of it and find myself opting to not do things. And after 8 months without a car I feel very boxed in. The irony being that I'm finally in a relationship where options I dreamt of are finally possibilities, and I really feel relaxed within myself. But without money or a car I feel so trapped. And I hate it.

In reality I know that things will change and I will get myself out of this box too. I just have to keep facing the big scary crap to do it. Perhaps I should be relieved that 'change in inevitable'. This is just a difficult moment and in time things will be different. I was just googling quotes about change. And there are a couple which are good reminders for me "Life is change, Growth is optional. Choose wisely". This reminds me to pay attention to this time, be aware and learn from what is happening. And this one I like because it's from Ben Franklin, who legend has it was a distant relative "When you're finished changing, you're finished". A reminder that all things change, or should. We're not designed to stop developing or evolving.

And yes - the song that inspired the title of this blog entry Changes by David Bowie:
(Turn and face the strain)
Don't want to be a richer man
(Turn and face the strain)
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

Time MAY change me, but my money is on the fact that it already has.


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