It went black as night and the wind blew round,
And stole your directions you lost your way home,
And you felt like a passenger left by the road,
But I'll tell you the reason you couldn't get home,
Cause there's nowhere you've been and it's nowhere you're going,
Home is only a feeling you get in your mind,
From the people you love and you travel beside...
These are lyrics from the quite lovely Stornoway song Fuel Up. I have been enjoying listening to their cd in my car. In fact I found myself getting a little teary the other day. I was quickly running errands after work, and heading back to Carlton to meet my friend Em and catch a movie. I was struck by a beautiful part of their song, and was caught in the sheer happiness and delight of the moment. Life was now heading in the exact direction I had waited so long for...and a wave of complete joy swept over me. I tingled and felt tears welling up. I guess I have learned to appreciate the simplest things in life, which for so long seemed unattainable.
I really love these lyrics, as it's something I feel so deeply now. I have always been a creature of habit, and hated moving. I don't mind travel, but it always feels great to come home. But my sense of 'home' has changed. I was able to walk away from a house I used to love, with no regrets. And I know that I could honestly follow Peter anywhere. Anywhere! I have always needed a safety net before. Familiar job, familiar suburbs, familiar family surrounds etc. But taking the giant leap of faith 18 months ago, and learning to let go of many things either through circumstance or trying to ease the legal situation, has changed me. I have found that letting go can make the load lighter and make me feel free. The important thing is that Peter and I are together and happy. For being with him feels like 'home'.
Interestingly this also coincides with us beginning to search for a home of our own. And after an initial feeling of nervousness on Peter's part, we are now becoming comfortable and more focused on what we like. Somewhere to start. Begin our life in our home. It's the battle between price, location, condition and compromise. But we are finding our way together and realising the list of priorities. It will be great to have a little more space, and be able to put up picture hooks or paint walls. But most of all I miss having a garden. A courtyard would be just fine, as I could grow things and sit outside occasionally, and maybe we could rig up something so the cats could get more fresh air and sunshine than the windowsills give them at the flat. Any way we go, it will be another move forward. A consolidation of our future. And I'm sure wherever we find ourselves will feel like home. For home and comfort and happiness are all things we find within ourselves. And luckily for me, also the person I'm married to.