I am exhausted. My limbs are heavy and my eyes are tired. The adrenaline has come and gone, and there is a sense of numbness. It has been a big couple of weeks. After waiting for four months for the house settlement (due to some bad paperwork by the previous owners to us) the cheque was picked up from the conveyancer last week. I can stop paying rent and mortgage, and have a nice nest egg to buy myself a car and plan a future with Peter.
When I told people, I think they were expecting a huge hurrah from me, but there were still a couple of things that needed sorting. The Ex and I had a joint account which we'd set up to pay the mortgage out of. We both needed to be there to close it and get the money out. I was so nervous. I was fearful of meeting up, as I have given up trying to predict his mood. I spent sunday afternoon sobbing on Peter's shoulder. I'm 40 years old, recently married, and I just felt like I wanted my Mum to come with me. But there are times in your life when you have to face awful, confronting things head on...alone.
Tonight after work I walked slowly to the bank. Not much was said between us. The tension was palpable, my mouth was dry and any delay seemed to take an age. The money was divided, debts were paid, items were exchanged and a parting shot was had. I picked up my box of things and walked away. That's how 13 years ended...17 months later.
Life never really prepares you for these moments. You can't plan, you are full of fear and worst case scenarios, and contemplating strategies. But in the end you make a judgement call in a split second. There was nothing left to say. I felt no need to fire back a parting shot myself. What was the point? Peter and I chatted over the weekend, and the best analogy we came up with was cutting something free and watching it flow down the river. Many months ago in this blog wrote that it felt like I had one foot in a bear trap. Any struggle just caused more pain. I have cut myself free and although a little battered and bruised, I am walking towards a lovely and happy life.
I think it will take some time to realise that the stress is over. To get used to not having so much in my head, like the constant lists of things to do. They are all finally done. Life can be simpler. Happier. Calm. The past is finally where it should be; in the past. The processing can begin properly. It has been a long time in the holding pattern, and I feel like tomorrow I can take my first steps without the weight of the past hanging over me. That I can stand up straight and breathe deeply. It's time to exhale and let go. It is done.