Life is getting somewhere back to what could be described as 'normal'. It has taken some time to get used to that thought. I have had some days where I have felt so light, as the weight of the last couple of years has been lifted. And it's quite a nice place to finally find myself.
I was talking with a work friend this week, who broke up with her partner. She was sending him an email, explaining things from her perspective. After going through that decision myself recently, I asked her why she was doing it. What did she want to get out of the letter? She said she wanted closure, and for him to understand how she felt. Of course what happened in the ensuing days was a number of emails back from him, and the distress of my friend continued.
It made me realise that my choice not to send a letter to my Ex was right for me. My friend Denise has said that even if I did send it, was there any guarantee that he'd 'get it'. After all, he didn't understand some things after 13 years together. And she's right. There are moments in your life when you realise that the only way to get closure is within yourself. And that can be a tough one.
It upsets me that there are a couple of people out there in the world who think badly of me. An ex-boyfriend and an ex-friend (that I know of!). There are some things in life that you just can't make right. Learning to let that go is hard, and learning to reconcile that within myself is harder. I can't control it at all. Interestingly, it pops into my head that I am 40 now. I don't think there are many people out there who reach 40 without some form of baggage or emotional scarring. I got a message from Daniel this week, who in describing a relationship said it was an "enigma based on what scars life has left behind". How poetic, how beautiful, how true and how sad. It seems we all carry around little dark marks on our hearts where we have been hurt or caused others pain. And learning to live with that is a skill in itself. I am pleased that the scar I carry has not effected my ability to connect with another person, or my depth of feeling or ability to love and trust someone. I know people who hide behind the scar or don't learn from it. Perhaps that's the point. The mark is there as a reminder. A sign that we have lived life, not always well, but that we can learn from it. And my lesson is to let the scar heal, and live with it.