there are no handles for you to hold
and no understanding where it goes
I've been listening to the new Arctic Monkeys album, and it's a grower. I think Alex Turner has a great turn of phrase, and different lyrics always pop out at me. In the last couple of days the words listed above have been making me think. They're from the song 'That's where you're wrong'.
I guess part of the reason these words resonate with me is because I love to make wishes. On the first star I see each night; any birthday candles I blow out; or tossing coins in a wishing well...well...I'm your gal. I guess if I think about it, it's because I need to feel that there is hope. No matter how dire the situation, I need to feel that happiness, or better times are just around the corner. If I didn't think this, I don't know how I'd get out of bed some days. I used to hold some wishes so tightly and secretly for fear that they wouldn't come true if they were known of. Crazy, I know. The signs of a desperate woman perhaps?
But what this did eventually, was make me anxious. I could wish for things in my life, but without action they were pretty unlikely to ever happen. Of course I realise this now, but I've spent many years just kind of believing that things would happen for me, if and when they were supposed to. And for the most part they did. But at some point the time flies by. It seems like yesterday I was in my early thirties, and now I'm 41. It's still hard to believe. Perhaps I spent too long just waiting or hoping that things would work out, instead of taking steps to make things happen.
That's easy if you know what you want in life. But in some ways I've been a meanderer, and sort of stumbled into things. That's great in your 20s, but those birthdays are a not-quite distant memory. I guess I'm realising that sometimes you need to take more control over what happens in your life. Secretly wishing for things, is as good as lying to myself. The hard part is the moment when you realise that something may never happen in your life. A dream unfulfilled. A secret wish that will always remain just that.
Being 41 is great in many ways. I'm now at a point in my life where I feel that the shy girl has found her voice. I'm getting better at speaking up, and maybe learning to ask for what I want. Not just wishing for it to happen. It's been a hard road to get here, but hopefully by paying attention to the road signs and trying to learn from my own mistakes, I'm becoming the person I want to be. Leading the life I want to live. I've also realised that I'm lucky enough to be supported and surrounded by quite a wonderful group of friends, new and old. And the love and support of my amazing husband makes me feel like anything is possible. Although I still wish on stars, I don't need to keep the wishes secret. I don't need to 'make a wish that weighs a tonne'. The burden of hoping doesn't need to weigh me down. I need to speak up and ask for what I want. Here's hoping I get it!