Let's talk about...

SEX.  Yep, that's right folks.  Now I have your attention, you might want to tune out if it's going to freak out any newcomers or work mates tuning in.  It's been my philosophy with this blog to write openly and honestly about whatever is on my mind.  And the topic de jour is sex.

It seems to be something on a lot of people's minds at the moment.  No, I'm not talking about the media or society.  Just amongst my friends.  I guess what triggered writing about it is, that a couple I've known for years, who had been together for 20 years, broke up recently.  One of the factors in their breakup was sex, and one partners desire to...um...how shall I put this...shag other people.  At least he was honest.

It got me thinking.  How important is sex in a relationship?  Do things change as you get older, or can you keep things alive in the passion department when you're in a relationship for the long haul?  Is all of this a deal breaker?  Compared to everything else you get in a relationship, can sex be the deciding vote on longevity?  In talking to some friends recently, I guess it's an individual thing.

I was a late bloomer by today's standards, and although I met my first boyfriend when I was 15 (he was 20), we waited a couple of years until we had sex.  I was 17 and had finished school.  We were together for nearly 10 years, and in that time had fun together.  Young and both living at home, invention and opportunity were the hallmark of our intimacy.  Stolen moments, empty houses or the great outdoors were typical for us.  There was a high element of risk of being discovered, but this was not through choice.  Physically, we hit it off quite well and as an introduction, I have it say it wasn't bad.  But I was still very much a shy girl riddled with insecurities about my body.

My next relationship started out ok, but over time we became like house mates.  Friends.  There was affection, but over the 13 years, perhaps the influence of life pressures, work, family and the fact I was dealing with periods of grief meant that sex seemed like a stranger.  I put on weight and looking back realise there were periods of depression.  The relationship itself was triggering anxiety and being physical was the last thing on my mind.  When I'd go out drinking with friends (a groups of girls) we'd end up chatting about sex and relationships.  I dodged talking about my life, by being the person asking questions.  Aha - like being the person holding the camera to avoid being in photos, I had figured out a way to deflect light off myself.

And then I met Peter.  He tread gently and carefully, as my emotional state was a bit fragile after the break up of my last relationship.  There is a place where my head rests on his chest, that is safe.  It feels like home.  The feel of his skin is divine.  I am happiest when I am curled up in his arms.  We click.  And even at the ripe old age of forty one, and after our first year of marriage, we're more like twenty year olds.  I've put on a bit more weight, but I'm more confident with who I am.  I still have issues, but I'm with someone I trust completely and who makes me feel amazing.  It's kinda great.

So in thinking about sex being a deal breaker it's hard to say.  I know of friends who have differing sex drives to their partners.  Sometimes it's an issue and sometimes it's not.  I was chatting to my friend Denise about this.  She said how sad it would be to not have a great physical relationship.  It's more than fun, pleasure and endorphins.  It can highlight the connection and closeness you have with another person.  I guess, when intimacy is great between you, it's not an issue.  It's part of the whole that makes the relationship.  But maybe when things go wrong, it can sometimes be symptomatic of other issues.  These are just musings, and come from my own experience.

One question that keeps floating around my head is : 'Can we have it all'?  Do we get the great relationship, great house, great job, good money, kids, great sex and happiness and fulfillment?  If we tick most of those boxes is that enough?  As I said at the beginning, perhaps it's an individual choice about what can be the deal breaker, or what is enough to sustain a relationship.  I also know the pull and weight of different issues changes over the years.  Keeping love and passion alive over the long haul is a challenge.  But worth it.  I'd love to hear your outlook on this topic.  And here's some trashy, inspiring music while you think.  Enjoy.    : )



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