Now we are five

There are certain dates that mark time for me.  I always like to write to see where I am when this number on the calendar rolls around.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Peter and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary.  As someone who never thought she'd get married, it's been interesting to see how I feel each year as I go along this journey.

Someone I work with is getting married today, so there has been a lot of talk about weddings and marriage in recent days.  Some of our team are long timers.  Married for between 15 and 30 plus years.  They joked, asking why would anyone do it, and 'it's not too late to back out'.  There was discussion of separate beds meaning people had their own space, but separate houses would be ideal.  One person commented, saying her 25 years of marriage was like climbing a mountain.  She has reached the top and now wondered why she was there.

On the other side there was my boss.  She had to travel to another country last year to be able to marry her partner, as gay marriage isn't legal here.  We spoke later about our own marriages.  She commented how amazing the feeling is when everything still feels fresh and new, but old and like you've always know each other. I smiled.  I have written these words (almost word for word) in previous posts around the 16th October.  It made us wonder what happens to you to become one of the 'it's not too late to back out' brigade.  Does time inevitably weary all relationships?

I talked to Peter about this yesterday.  He said 'but when you meet the right person you don't have any choice, you have to be with them'.  And this sums up what it felt like meeting Peter six years ago.  He felt like home.  I couldn't let him slip away and I'm thrilled that it seems he felt the same about me.  He smiled at me and said he had promised me a wild and crazy ride.  Laughing we both agreed more wild and less crazy would be good at this point.  After weeks and months of ups and downs and stress and tears and heartache because life is so fucking hard sometimes, I stopped and looked into the face I adore.  We smiled at each other.  Perhaps the first five years are the hardest?

Over celebratory cocktails last night I said how much being with him has changed me.  I can recommend marrying the president of your fan club.  Being told that I can do anything, and receiving texts telling me I'm amazing, actually makes me brave.  Perhaps by someone else believing in me, pushing me forward, I have gained strength and belief.  Also dealing with some quite serious, big adult stuff in the last five years has also made me stronger.  In so many ways Peter teaches me things about myself.

Peter said without me he probably wouldn't have been diagnosed and medicated.  I had to ask if this was a good thing, jokingly.  He said it was better than some potential alternatives.  Perhaps I push him forward too?  I think in essence we have unerring belief in each others abilities.  And for two self loathing Gen Xers, it's quite a surprising place to find ourselves in.  Thank goodness for dumb luck and chance meetings.

So at five years it feels like life is hard. Love is the easy bit.  The last few days have reminded me how important it is to stop every so often and put the stress aside.  To look at each other and remember how lucky we are to have found the person that changed our lives.  To have a moment of connection, breath deeply and realise you still want to be with this person, as life without them doesn't make any sense.

Now we are five.

I love you Peter


16th October 2010 - Photo thanks to my brother :)


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