Keep a balance

So.  That was 2015 huh?  What a strange year it was.  A story in two halves.

The year began with us planning a holiday.  The first real, proper holiday in what seemed like forever.  We planned and saved and had a 10 day trip to Tassie.  It was beautiful and as I sat at the airport on my way home, I was mentally planning our return visit.  Peter and I haven't had much in the way of holidays since we've been together.  Even our honeymoon was just a few days in Daylesford.  Somehow there just never seemed to be the right combination of time and money that holidays require.  But fresh air, new sights and adventures are good for the soul...and brain.

Then we had the crazy and impetuous trip to Sydney to see Morrissey perform at the Sydney Opera House three times as part of the Vivid Festival.  It was nuts as this was a mere 2 weeks after we'd returned from Tassie.  We met friends, new and old, and spent our nights in gay abandon singing along with our hearts full of Moz.  Sheer crazy, exciting joy.  I can still hardly believe we did it.

And this takes us to the half way mark of the year.  Then life got hard and serious.  Peter's work seemed to be actively looking at ways to force him out.  Many workplaces don't know how to deal with depression and anxiety and find that magical way of adding additional stress and pressure and just make things worse.  We feared he'd be unemployed.  We'd feared we couldn't get assistance, even though my pay doesn't cover all our bills.  This meant trying to manage stress and Peter's anxiety as well as my own.

My work seemed unending.  I found that by friday I was exhausted.  Too exhausted to go out, see bands, see friends or do anything much at all.  Our weekends became quiet and we bunkered down just trying to rest from the week that was.  We didn't go out or do much at all.  Emotional and mental stress have a way of zapping all your energy.

I realised at some point that my balance was off.  Way off.  We've often found that getting Peter outside and doing something to stimulate his brain (going to galleries, the theatre etc).  It gets him outside the stuff in his head.  I guess I hadn't realised how much I need this too.  Being on the unending treadmill of work, sleep, work, sleep and repeat is quite soul destroying.  Especially when you feel like you are only just keeping your head above water, rather than saving or sacrificing for something fabulous - like travel, or a house or even a great pair of shoes!

I miss trees and the ocean.  I miss stuff that makes me think.  I missed fun.  And it seemed that the last six months were the opposite of the first six.  I felt like I was dragging my tired carcass across the finishing line of the end of the year.  Feeling crappy about being the most un-christmassy I think I've ever been.

So that was last year.  2016 is here and I know that something has to change.  Balance.  That is what I wish for the new year.  I have a few friends who feel the same.  Screw you bits of 2015 and the horse you rode in on.   And since I realised this I've had one song in my head - 'Keep a Balance' by the Meanies.  I loved hearing this song live when I was in my 20s.  The bass, the screams, the power and the lyrics...'Keep a balance, don't lose your head'.  OK 2016 - we have our theme song.  Let's go.


Knives said…
This is the second time I have read this blog post. I have revisited it tonight because I am overwhelmed with feelings of uncertainty. I too feel on the unending treadmill of worry: mum, job, finance. Practicing mindfulness is hard when I don't have an answer to any of it, but your post reminds me that it's okay. Time for chocolate and a cathartic release of tears. <3
Andy said…
Oh Knives. I know how you feel and also how hard it is to keep your mind from panicking. All the hard work and stress seems extra crap when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. When it seems relentless and unending. So those moments of taking a breath, grabbing a coffee with friends or a chat to unload are vital. Or find something special just for yourself...which may be the chocolate! Remember I'm always here too xoxo

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