In recent years I've subscribed to the idea that 'anger is an energy' (thanks John Lydon for the lyric). It is an active emotion, especially when compared to the other stages of grief on the Kubler-Ross model. But I've been thinking a lot about anger recently. Where does all the male anger come from?
I've read a number of articles which have helped me delve deeper and consider some really interesting ideas. But the catalyst was something that Peter's doctor mentioned - anger is a secondary emotion. It tends to mask primary emotions, such a hurt, vulnerability or fear. It's secondary to thoughts of injustice, unfairness or beliefs about what is fair or right.
I began to look at news stories and toxic masculinity in a different light. I'd been grappling, trying to make sense of where all the hate (both in society and the internet) was coming from. Especially in light of some recent events, such as Andy Nolch spray painting a giant cock and balls next to the site where a young Melbourne woman was raped and murdered. What kind of mind does this?
One article made me consider acts of violence and anger as a gender issue. This great read from the Atlantic highlighted why there haven't been many women involved in mass shootings in America:
In 1997, researchers who studied gender and strain found that girls tend to internalize strain and turn any resulting violence onto themselves (by cutting, or abusing drugs), instead of turning that strain outward and unleashing it on others. Men are obviously socially conditioned to be more physically aggressive, and higher levels of testosterone make them more prone to aggression.
I thought about the women I know and how many of us do indeed internalize anger, hurt and vulnerability. We reflect and dissect our perceived personal short-comings or behaviours. However some men experiencing disappointment or hardship in the face of feelings of entitlement, externalise that secondary emotion. It's everyone else's fault that life isn't going the way they want or expect it to.
Another article in the NY Times written by a psychotherapist, discusses men in the post #metoo era. He notes:
Shame is the emotional weapon that allows patriarchal behaviors to flourish. The fear of being emasculated leads men to rationalize awful behavior. In their efforts to manage the feeling of shame, some men numb themselves. Others sink under it and slip into depression or chronic underachievement. And others take the pain that they feel and project it back out into the world with violent words and deeds.
Again the same themes of secondary emotions being externalised as anger. The article highlights how some men are re-evaluating themselves when they look back at their behaviour through the lens of #metoo.
But the new hate-filled kids on the block are the 'incels' (involuntary celebrates) who blame women for their inability to find someone who will have sex with them. The complex and quite frankly crazy ideology and deep seated misogyny is utterly terrifying. An exploration in the New Yorker states:
Men blame women if they feel undesirable. And, as women gain the economic and cultural power that allows them to be choosy about their partners, men have generated ideas about self-improvement that are sometimes inextricable from violent rage.
In response to incels, all I can think of is the old saying 'rock and roll: helping ugly people get laid since the 50s'. What this highlights is that attraction is more than looks. But it's easier to blame someone else for your short comings, than try to develop a personality or be nice to women. All that anger is directed outwards to others yet again.
Due to the spate of women being murdered and intimate partner violence, there's been much discussion in the news and online regarding women's ever vigilant attitudes to personal safety. In a very short space of time the Police changed their language when a woman was abducted off the streets and sexually assaulted. It changed from the onus being on women to ensure their safety, to 'people have the right to go out at night and enjoy themselves.' And it's this kind of raised awareness that does change behaviour. I saw this via Instagram and it made me hopeful for the future.
So what of female anger? It feels like lines are being drawn, and slowly but surely as time goes on more and more women are standing behind this line saying enough is enough. Clementine Ford was banned by Facebook for 30 days after she shared screenshots of abusive and threatening messages sent to her. Her book Fight like a girl tells of the abuse she has endured over the years, simply because she dares to be a very vocal feminist. Australian Greens Senator Sarah Hanson-Young recently had a tirade of male abuse hurled at her in Parliament when trying to discuss the issue of violence against women. What these instances tell us is that if a woman is angry and stands up for herself, she is likely to be targeted. She will put herself in the firing line for abuse and threats.
All this makes me think of the Margaret Attwood quote 'Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.' Women are taught from a young age, when confronted by any male who is creeping them out or they feel threatened by, to either be polite and hope he goes away, or shrink and try to make yourself invisible. But more and more women are standing firm along the line in the sand. Our anger is growing. We are collectively beginning to stand our ground.
So...the future. I hope in time, that with raised awareness, more discussions, more consequences for bad and abusive behaviour, and changes in how men are taught to process and deal with emotions, that we'll see less and less toxic masculinity and the age of entitlement will be over. Anger is an energy, but it's exhausting. Here's hoping the next generation of men will be taught that neither emotions or women are the enemy. The men I know got the memo. They understand that sometimes life is ridiculously hard and that shit things can happen to good people regardless of how hard they try. They don't feel the need to take that frustration out on anyone. In fact, they have friends, partners and professionals to help them through those tough times. It's noone's fault...it's just life.
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