I've been doing some thinking lately. There's quite a bit going on at work and it does make you wonder what will happen down the road. So, working in higher education I do feel that I can't just rely on my bachelor degree and a ton of experience. Maybe it's time to go back to study? My main issue was how I did this AND work. Sometimes my job seems to take up all my valuable brain space. But sometimes when a seed is planted, it just kind of grows.
So last month I applied to go and do my Masters in Librarianship. It felt a little like unfinished business. Due to all the things that happened in life when I started my BA part time, it took five years to complete. I needed a rest from study. But somehow something that only seemed like yesterday is now 5 years ago. It feels like the right time to go back to study.
I'd gotten my information ready and was waiting for the application window to open. In the meantime work sent me to a conference on the Gold Coast (yes, really!). I was talking to my colleague who was also lucky enough to go. He smiled, with a quisical look on his face and said something that stopped me in my tracks. 'You've already ticked the Librarian box, you don't need MORE librarian qualifications. Perhaps a Masters in something else would be more useful or interesting?'. Bam. There is was. Crazy logic I'd never even considered.
When people at work have asked me what kind of role I'd like (if I was to change what I'm currently doing), my response has always been that my perfect role didn't really exist. There are things I like doing and skills that have been developed by what I do in my job. But did that degree exist? After quite a bit of searching it seems it does. And excitingly it is offered online. Perfect for juggling work and study. I was so nervous I could barely tell anyone what I was thinking.
I confided in a dear friend and colleague. She talked about what a great idea this was and how well suited the course sounded for me. We talked about opportunites in the future and how it would be a good degree to have for opening up lots of different avenues. I was so happy and felt I was moving in the right direction. And then it happened. One night I woke up at 3am and I began to think. I started to think that I couldn't do this. This was a crazy idea. I'd fail and just make a complete dick of myself. I managed to catch up with the same friend again. We talked in a meeting room at work and I burst into floods of tears. Sleepless nights and overactive brains will do that to you.
Luckily she calmed me down. For the next few days I thought about what had caused the crisis of conficence. In essence I realed that working in libraries for 30 years means I have opinions and ideas, and those subjects sounded interesting (yes, really!). It's what I know. It's my comfort zone. But the new area of study, at a different University. signalled the unknown. Stepping out of my comfort zone. That was the fear. Stepping up to a new level of study in a brand new area was kind of terrifying.
I went back and read through the course information. Went over the subject outlines and course structure in more detail. I jumped on chat and asked questions of the other uni. And slowly I calmed the fuck down. I've mentioned the degree to a few other people, and overwhelmingly people are excited and supportive. For some reason, the idea that others have belief in me has always spurred me on. Even if I'm shit-scared, it helps that someone thinks I'm completely capable.
So, I'm getting my info together for a new application. A new direction. Outside the zone. Taking a deep breath and trying to focus on what may lay ahead. Although I seem confident in areas of work and life, getting out of your comfort zone makes you realise that the insecure introvert is close under the surface sometimes. I am so deeply thankful for the advice and support of my incredibly lovely friends and colleagues, and know how lucky I am to have a husband who always tells me I can do anything. I'll just be holding a few hands and keeping my fingers crossed that I get into the degree. I'll keep you posted.
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