Breaking a habit is hard. First you need to be aware that what you're doing is actually a habit. A choice. Something you can stop or change. So I'm going to share a story of realisation with you. I have grown up most of my life silently judging other women.
I catch these thoughts now, and check myself. But a lifetime of behaviour does become automatic unfortunately. And this is what I'm working on changing. I've thought a lot recently on where this comes from and I've realised that I grew up with particular narratives about women. As a kid I watched re-runs of 'I dream of Jeanie' and 'Bewitched'. Both featured blonde women (the good girl) with brunette sister/cousin (the evil girl). This idea was also evident in the Archies comic - Betty and Veronica. They are described as 'best friends and worst enemies'. It seems that women in pop culture have to be rivals.
It is the oldest pigeonholes that women have been crammed into - virgin or whore. Good or evil. Black or white. Difference equals competition. This idea has played out in so many fictional stories, but also in the media. The most recent example of this is the 'feud' between Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton. Now, I'm not a royalist at all, but the media frenzy is hard to avoid. It seems that if there are two women together they must be pitted against each other. (Meghan/Kate, Diana/Fergie, Elizabeth/Margaret). Tabloids love to enforce these stereotypes. As does reality tv.
I've realised I fall into this trap too. Looking at women who are different to me and assigning stereotypes or judgements. But in recent years I've become aware of those internal thoughts and analysed them. I see many young women, with chunky, dimpled thighs which rub together wearing short shorts. My gut reaction is 'I wouldn't wear that and maybe they shouldn't either'. I realise this stems from my own issues about my body (a long a complex relationship). I am learning to break this habit and actually marvelling at these young women who have the confidence I didn't have at their age.
It's only in my 40s that I've learnt to be nicer to myself. Growing up I felt the pressure and judgement when comparing myself to other girls. Society has an 'ideal' of what women should look like. And generations have felt bad as these beauty standards continued to change. Think 1950s bombshell compared to 1990s waif. Genetically someone is always not able to fit the current beauty mould. And the terrible thing is that women over the years have been reduced to looks. Girls are pretty. Boys are smart or strong. Check out this awesome 8 year old complaining about the difference in clothing messages in Tesco. Yep - why don't the girls clothes suggest she can be a hero? I feel the tide is slowly turning, when you consider articles such as this: Little girls don't need to be told they're beautiful.
Listening to the new album by The Specials Encore, it has a song featuring the highly inspirational Saffiyah Khan. In 10 Commandments she sings: Girls should not turn on each other, Or use man-made ideals like paths. It again made me realise how much time we spend judging each other. For what? Do we all simply fall into that toxic habit, of putting someone else down to elivate ourselves?
I've always celebrated diversity, being different and letting your freak flag fly. Other women conform to more traditional beauty standards. And I'm learning a new way of thinking. Living in a vibrant and culturally diverse neighbourhood helps. I am learning not to judge others different from myself. Women can wear a niqab, sport glitter tits to a festival or go the full Jocelyn Wildenstein in surgery and I salute their choice to look however they want. Really - who gives a crap? If people are happy and this gives them confidence, more power to you ladies.
So what has helped this change? It's the media I consume. I stopped buying trashy mags about 10 years ago. And my social media is filled with really positive messages by women for women. Empowering, Supportive. Diverse. Women who look like me and women who look very different. Lifting each other up. Shifting the media conversation from rivals and competitors to positive, feminist, strong, funny, smart messages. I wish this was the world I had grown up in. The curated media options showing me a different way to be when I was in my teens.
I'm learning to break well ingrained habits. I may think something fleetingly, but stop myself. I'm trying to be both nicer to myself and other women. And all the energy spent critiquing can be put to better use - supporting my friends and trying to add to the swell of goodwin on social media. Ladies - look however you want to. I see you and I salute you.
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