Owning the impostor

It's been months since I've posted. But not months since I've written.  My brain has been occupied juggling my first semester of study with work. Yep - it's begun.  My Master of Communication. To be honest, I've been quite terrified. This is study outside my comfort zone of libraries and librarianship. This is me in the 'real world'.

Many colleagues did this the other way around.  They studied something they were interested in and then did library studies on top. But of course I'm doing it backwards. It's been difficult to figure out how the whole online study thing would work.  It's a new uni and new degree and I needed to navigate how everything worked, as well as learn a new subject area.

As scary as it was, it was also weirdly liberating. I don't have to shoe horn my interests into the library world.  I've been free to explore and research things that I want to explore. It's been mind-blowing.  If I had a dollar for every time I thought 'I can't believe I get to write about instagram', I'd have...well...about 5 bucks. But you get the picture.

There has been some revelations and demystifying during the semester too. Realisations that media essays are about exploring and discussing rather than 'proving' and argument. And words like autoethnographic and empirical data don't sound so scary any more (autoethnographic = analysing and understanding my own experience, empirical data = the thing I was looking at eg. an instagram account). And at this point I'd like to send a big shout out to the work friend who helped quell my fears with the suggestion that a communication degree is more about clear communication skills rather than academic writing. You were right.

I got through the semester, survived a group assignment for distance students, wrote about my own instagram use and my final essay (a topic I got to choose myself) on instagram as a platform to express and explore gender identity for non-binary people, using Rain Dove as a case study. I also had to do two self reflective pieces; one written, and one audio recording.  I did pretty ok. Actually I did surprising well.  Particularly with the self reflections. And this is where I find it hard.

I feel so stupidly awkward saying that. I had moments this semester when I looked at the critiques of my assignments and cried. Happy tears. Overwhelmed that I did so well, and surprised at myself. "Well written" and "easy to read" - these comments made me so happy. Yep I can improve and I'm learning a lot about this type of essay structure. But I think that both my role at work and blogging for 10 years has meant I have practiced writing every day...and maybe now it's coming in handy.

But it's still so difficult to say I'm good at things.  I feel like a complete wanker, if I'm honest.  I had a similar moment in the past week.  I attended a Masterclass as part of the Emerging Writer's Festival that was all about libraries. I was particularly interested in the social media talk.  I got a few new ideas, and listening to it I realise I do an ok job at work.  I contribute to the library facebook page and instagram account, and have been given the role of coordinator for 12 months. I find it weird, as there are other people with great knowledge and ideas and opinions in our team.  I know I have become comfortable contributing to the 'voice' of the library, and managing feedback and the occasional crisis. I've presented a talk on our social media at a library professional development session and been asked as a guest presenter in a library studies class. But I sat there at the EWF session, head down, having a moment. Maybe I have to own it. Own up to the fact that I'm good at this.

I had such difficulty writing that last sentence.  I almost deleted it. But this is what this post is all about. Taking a deep breath and just sitting with the feeling. Of working through the impostor syndrome.  Some people talk easily of achievements or success.  Some people also have an inflated sense of self and how good they are.  But so many people I know feel like frauds. Like they'll be discovered...exposed...asked to leave, because they really aren't any good at all.  I don't know where this comes from and it's quite difficult to get past. It does feel completely ingrained in our psyche.

I easily tell my friends how amzing and inspiring they are, because they really are.  However, we never seem to be able to be as kind to ourselves as we are to others. As I've gotten older I have practiced doing this when it comes to my weight and looks. I wish things were different but I don't spend time beating myself up about this.  And this is perhaps where bombarding my social media feed with feminist content has helped. There are much more important things in life than my skirt size.  But I haven't learned to apply the same kindness to achievements.

So friends.  Here's the deal. If you have trouble accepting your own awesomeness, and feeling like an impostor, perhaps we can support each other through this whole caper. Maybe we can create a safe space for each other to celebrate our achievements without judgement or thoughts that we might sound like knobs. Beacuase I want my friends to know how amazing they are, how inspiring I find them and that I support them and celebrate all the good things. It's time we owned our impostor, smiled and are proud of ourselves.  You can cheer your successes and tell me how great something you did was, because chances are...I already know. Because as the card I found says, FUCK YEAH, you ROCK!  So, do we have a deal?