Peter and I have just come back from visiting his Dad for a few days. It meant a trip to regional Victoria, as his Dad's health isn't great. It was also his 80th birthday. We took the opportunity to catch up with another friend we haven't see IRL for a few years. The tyranny of distance is real folks.
During our visit there were a few outings. And on two consecutive days Peter and I were asked the same question. Social media has become more nuanced in understanding that personal experiences are complicated. You'll find people posting with the initials CW (content warning) or TW (trigger warning) before launching into discussions on certain topics. This gives people a heads up to either read on or scroll past. But face to face you don't get this. A seemingly innocuous question always makes me die a little inside...'Do you have kids?'.
For most people it's just simple getting to know you chit chat. But for me it drags up years of quiet, isolated, internalised grief. Years and years of it. I've noticed an influx of articles written lately about people who are actively choosing not to have children. All of them mention a myriad of reasons but also the judgment that society attached to their decision. This wasn't my experience. This wasn't a choice. Sometimes circumstance means things just don't work out. There are women who spend years riding the emotional and hormonal super expensive roller coaster for the chance to have a child. That wasn't a ride I wanted to buy a ticket for. I wasn't an 'at all costs' type of person. I just kinda hoped things would work out, but that wasn't the path my life took.
And standing there, blinking like a rabbit in headlights, Peter answered 'No' both times allowing me to avoid the awkwardness. It made me think of all the 'getting to know you' questions we ask. Do you have a partner? What do you do? Where do you live? Did you buy your home? These are all designed to help frame who this new person before us is. But why do those questions also feel like judgment? Are we being measured against societal standards? Should we have ticked a few more boxes on life's 'to do' list by our age?
Talking with friends about these issues, whether celebrating, commiserating or confiding is different. Deeper conversations with trusted friends in safe spaces help us get through life's more difficult moments. But facing these questions from strangers is confronting. When I think about it, so many questions should come with a TW. People have complex relationships with their families, their sexuality, identity and mental health, they may have suffered trauma or have experienced severe hardship. So many of us must be quietly dying a little inside when faced with small talk. Just hoping that question isn't asked.
So what are the alternatives? How do we get to know people without relying on the old cliches? Maybe we should just talk. Chat about whatever has brought you together in the same space. Music. Coffee. A mutual friend. Waiting in a queue for a movie/to buy a book. There are tons of questions that will help you understand who someone is without referring to the list of life's achievements. You can allow them space to bring up information such as partners or children on their own terms. You don't need to ask. You may even find you learn interesting things about someone from their stance on coffee or music or their reading habits.
I find this information interesting. Small pieces of insight into someones personality can be intriguing and delightful (or terrifying!). The old adage is 'never discuss politics or religion in polite company'. But perhaps it's time to extend this concept to 'never ask people personal questions unless they raise the issue first'. And show a bit of emotional intelligence and think outside your own life experience. No one gets through life unscathed. Everyone you speak to will have an achilles' heel of some sort. Perhaps try to tread a little lightly from now on. I'll be quietly grateful that you were.
During our visit there were a few outings. And on two consecutive days Peter and I were asked the same question. Social media has become more nuanced in understanding that personal experiences are complicated. You'll find people posting with the initials CW (content warning) or TW (trigger warning) before launching into discussions on certain topics. This gives people a heads up to either read on or scroll past. But face to face you don't get this. A seemingly innocuous question always makes me die a little inside...'Do you have kids?'.
For most people it's just simple getting to know you chit chat. But for me it drags up years of quiet, isolated, internalised grief. Years and years of it. I've noticed an influx of articles written lately about people who are actively choosing not to have children. All of them mention a myriad of reasons but also the judgment that society attached to their decision. This wasn't my experience. This wasn't a choice. Sometimes circumstance means things just don't work out. There are women who spend years riding the emotional and hormonal super expensive roller coaster for the chance to have a child. That wasn't a ride I wanted to buy a ticket for. I wasn't an 'at all costs' type of person. I just kinda hoped things would work out, but that wasn't the path my life took.
And standing there, blinking like a rabbit in headlights, Peter answered 'No' both times allowing me to avoid the awkwardness. It made me think of all the 'getting to know you' questions we ask. Do you have a partner? What do you do? Where do you live? Did you buy your home? These are all designed to help frame who this new person before us is. But why do those questions also feel like judgment? Are we being measured against societal standards? Should we have ticked a few more boxes on life's 'to do' list by our age?
Talking with friends about these issues, whether celebrating, commiserating or confiding is different. Deeper conversations with trusted friends in safe spaces help us get through life's more difficult moments. But facing these questions from strangers is confronting. When I think about it, so many questions should come with a TW. People have complex relationships with their families, their sexuality, identity and mental health, they may have suffered trauma or have experienced severe hardship. So many of us must be quietly dying a little inside when faced with small talk. Just hoping that question isn't asked.
So what are the alternatives? How do we get to know people without relying on the old cliches? Maybe we should just talk. Chat about whatever has brought you together in the same space. Music. Coffee. A mutual friend. Waiting in a queue for a movie/to buy a book. There are tons of questions that will help you understand who someone is without referring to the list of life's achievements. You can allow them space to bring up information such as partners or children on their own terms. You don't need to ask. You may even find you learn interesting things about someone from their stance on coffee or music or their reading habits.
I find this information interesting. Small pieces of insight into someones personality can be intriguing and delightful (or terrifying!). The old adage is 'never discuss politics or religion in polite company'. But perhaps it's time to extend this concept to 'never ask people personal questions unless they raise the issue first'. And show a bit of emotional intelligence and think outside your own life experience. No one gets through life unscathed. Everyone you speak to will have an achilles' heel of some sort. Perhaps try to tread a little lightly from now on. I'll be quietly grateful that you were.
"Unsure Of The Next Step"
by
eviloars
is licensed under
CC BY-NC 2.0
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