Nine

On the 16th of October it was our wedding anniversary.  Nine years since we nervously walked through a door together, hand-in-hand to the Magnetic Fields 'The Book of Love', into a room of friends and family. It still seems like such a crazy thing for us to have done. Each year at this time I write.  Recording the journey. Marking the moment.

I realised a few weeks ago that the 16th fell on a Wednesday.  It's a day Peter doesn't work. So it seemed like the planets aligned, willing me to take a day off work.  As it turned out, it was a much needed day off.  Gotta say it didn't feel great to plan a day of gentle celebration only to have it used as a mental health day.  You see, I'm feeling burnt out. On edge, tired, close to tears or rage at any given moment. Work is going through a change plan and my job (which already feels full on) might become completely overwhelming. I'm exhausted and am reaching a point where I feel like perhaps the change I need to experience is me leaving. We've already had a few people resign.  Not with other jobs to go to, but tired and resentful of being treated poorly. This is where so many of us are at mentally and emotionally.  At breaking point.

I haven't been sleeping well for weeks. And even though I woke up tired on Wednesday it was nice just to lay in for a little while.  We had a chilled, quiet morning.  Pyjamas and cups of tea.  We had decided to go out for lunch.  Mid week vegan lunch choices can be slim on the ground depending on which suburb you choose.  We decided to visit a Carlton institution - Shakahari. It's the first vego restaurant I ever knew of.  It was around when I first started working at Uni nearby, offering vegetarian food when you couldn't even buy a premade veggie burger in a supermarket.

It was chilled and calm inside. Our waiter was delightfully camp and eccentric. He made us smile with his infectious joy, even though we spoke of everything from climate change and extinction to the lack of political compassion or leadership in Australia. He told us that Barry Humphreys brings his family to Shakahari for the satay skewers (established 1978)...which is the dish I ordered. Peter and I  drank prosecco, ate wonderful food and just had a moment of being in the moment. As we paid, chatting to the waiter (our new lovely friend) we mentioned it was our anniversary. He beamed, saying they all thought something was going on today at our table.  Maybe it was the midday, midweek drinking that gave us away!  He said 'don't think about everything that's going on in the world, just focus on you today' and he wished us a wonderful afternoon.

We strolled around Readings bookstore, another Carlton institution and where we spent a kind of almost date together getting to know each other ten years ago. Driving home, Peter and I talked about being married. How nine years seems crazy. How so many things have changed in that time.  My Dad died two years after we got hitched, and Peter's Mum died almost two years ago this month. We are glad they got to see us get married.  There are a number of guests at our wedding whose relationships  have split up during the last nine years. Some people we don't see any more and there are some people we've met since who we would have loved to have been there as they mean so much to us. It made me realise just how much the world has changed and how much we have too.

We grabbed a bottle of champagne on the way home, to have for dinner with some vegan cheese and olives. The day was slow and gentle. Joyous and reflective. A distraction for both of us from work and the exhaustion we both feel. Life around us seems hard. Maybe it is signalling change?  Maybe it is a reminder to take moments for ourselves, shielding us, even briefly from the tumult that life can be. A reminder that after nine years, I still like sitting across a table from Peter, chatting and joking around. Occasionally touching fingers in the middle of the table. Talking about the big, complex stuff, about which books we like; something we watched on telly. Or even just being comfortable in moments of silence and thought. This year, the 16th of October felt like a deep breath. A moment looking backwards at all that has changed and contemplating where change will lead us, on the path ahead.

I found this really beautiful footage of The Book of Love being played solo by Stephin Merritt. It is intimate, heartfelt and gentle. This is Nine.  Happy Anniversary Peter.  I love you.