There's nothing quite like an extistential crisis to really drive yourself nuts. Since 2019 I've been studying my Masters degree on top of full time work...mostly during a pandemic. The only way I can cope with this is to study at the glacial pace of one subject a semester. I was beginning to fret about how long I had to complete the degree. After chatting to the student admin team it seems you usually get five years. Doing the maths I was about to reach the halfway mark, and had one year left. Crap.
To say it's been tiring is an understatement. I've been using my leave to complete assignments, so I can stop work and immerse myself in the subject. It's a great idea for study but also means I haven't had a proper holiday in years. I was feeling like I was running out of steam.
Everyone I speak to has found 2022 hard. We came out of lockdowns and began the year with an empty tank. Running on adrenaline can only last so long and I hit the wall in October. I handed in my last assignment for the year and began to consider whether I should jump with a graduate diploma instead of the full masters. It would mean I could have my life back to myself and still have something to show for the time I'd put into study. Making this decision was beginning to make me crazy. It just swirled around and around in my head.
So I began to ask my friends. Would seeing a grad dip on a CV look less than a masters? I got a lot of diverse opinions. A few people had bailled on degrees with grad certificates (when life circumstances had changed or the degree wasn't what they'd hoped), or completed a grad dip as this was what was required to become a librarian (they had a bachelor degree in something else and then did the grad study). But one friend posed a question back to me - it wasn't about qualifications - what was I getting out of the degree? And this stumped me. When I began studying in 2019 I'd thought it would give me other options for jobs. That it would help me be seen in a different light. But faced with this question when I was feeling burnt out I simply didn't have an answer. Why was I doing this to myself?
I spoke to my lecturer, Sally. I'd had two subjects with her and she seemed to understand my writing and me as a person. No mean feat as an online student. I explained I was also intimidated by the large research componant of the degree, which needs to be completed towards the end. I told her imposter syndrome looms large in my head. She didn't offer any advice, except to say she thought I was capable of doing it, and she'd arrange for me to chat to the course coordinator. Erin.
Erin stepped me through the research which lay ahead, spoke of recognition of prior learning options to help expedite the degree, and was very kind. She said she would support any extenstion I needed to complete as my marks are good. She also asked what I wanted from the degree. I had to bite my lip as I could feel the tears welling. Not a great look over zoom. For some reason, this question pushes a particular button in me. The giant one in the back of my head that says Fraud.
For weeks I've been trying to figure out where this comes from. Why am I so insecure and my default setting listed as 'not good enough'? Maybe if I could pinpoint the cause of this I could conquer it? At the same time, Sally contacted me to ask if she could use part of the podcast I'd created that semester in her student work showcase to faculty. I was beaming. I caught up with a work friend and was explaining the headfuck that the study crisis had caused. I was also telling him about the showcase request, and how surreal it all was. He gently replied, 'not surreal...it's real'. That week a friend messaged me through Facebook, saying she was sitting in her faculty annual meeting and my face suddenly appeared on screen. She was at the showcase! She told me I was described as a star student. I just stared blankly at her message, finding it hard to fathom. Thrilled but dumbfounded.
This sums up why my head is in such a mess. I work really hard and do well. Sometimes during the degree I've acheived things I would never have thought possible. Things I'm really proud of. These moments honestly make my insides flutter. But then the inside of my head goes back to factory settings of insecurity. When people asked me why I was studying or what I was getting out of it, the idea has changed since I began the degree. Maybe it's to validate things people tell me I'm good at but actually find hard to believe about myself. Perhaps obtaining the piece of paper will be proof. But as I type this, maybe what I'm realising is that the paper won't change how I feel. It can't silence the imposter.
In talking to Peter he said the decision about the degree was mine to make and he had no advice, except he thought I'd maybe regret not finishing the full maters. Ah...he knows me well. Yep - even though I could leave with a qualification reflecting the work I'd put in, it would feel like failing somehow. So I will keep going, and simply making this decision has lessened the noise in my head and the weight on my shoulders.
Another friend and I chat about how our self perception is quite different to how others actually see us. This is the challenge. I was chatting to one of my team members about her own imposter syndrome, and said that it was something I also battled with. But that I had learnt to keep going, push through the insecurities and do things anyway. I can achieve things but my internal voice doesn't go away. Sometimes I can tune it out for a bit but it seems like a constant companion. To keep going is the important bit.
I was looking up imposter syndrome as I was writing and came across this post, in which author Neil Gaiman talks of his insecurities. The more I googled, the more people I discovered who felt the same. It feels part of who I am, and perhaps I can take solace that many people who are 'successful' also struggle with this feeling. In preparing to write about this I've had one song stuck in my head - Amanda Palmer's In My Mind. The lyrics seem to sum up the struggle:
And in my mindI imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground, I'll start
Pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined that I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I'd want to be
Fuck yes
Fuck yes
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