Peter and I recently saw the delightful Alan Cumming perform in Melbourne. We'd seen his previous show a few years ago, 'Alan Cumming sings sappy songs', in which he discusses his family history (covered in his first book) as well as belting out tunes. Similarly, this show is a mix of stories and songs, but covers the topic of ageing - 'Alan Cumming is not acting his age'. It felt like the show we needed to see.
Alan questions who determines how you should behave at a particular age. Pursed lipped people, holding clipboards with a clenched backside? He highlights the weaponised language around ageing: grow up, act your age, and the collective crowd groan inducing 'mutton dressed as lamb'. This show was only a couple of weeks before his 58th birthday. He discussed being middle aged. Peter and I looked sideways at each other at the utterance of this phrase. Later, over a drink Peter googled to try to find out at what age you're deemed middle aged. To our horror, the dictionary definition is '(of a person) aged about 45 to 65.' Christ on a bike. I'll be turning 53 this year and Peter is days away from turning 54. We're on the presipice of being in the middle of middle aged!
This is the weird thing. I have a friend who has never wanted to share her age with people. I've never subscribed to that. I guess it relates to feeling judged, how you look and act. It's particularly fraught for women, as society doesn't give them the 'silver fox' free pass that men get. The fact many women feel invisible in society once they're over 40 should tell you something. I've always been fine with telling people my age, but the reality of ageing is something I actually struggle with.
I've been working with my hair dresser to 'lean in' to my greying hair. I've not stopped dying it, rather I now have blonde sections around my face where I'm greying the most. I've got two-tone hair, which hilariously seems on trend with 'the young people'. A student told me she loved my hair and that the style was popular with K-pop fans. Hearing this, I felt both old and young at the same time! I receive so many comments from strangers about my hair (all positive) which really does feel odd, and lovely. I'm awkward at accepting compliments, so these moments are practice for me to welcome the kindeness of strangers. I've seen someone else adopting this approach with their hair - Kathleen Hanna (from Bikini Kill, Le Tigre, original Riot Grrl). She's 54. I feel in good company.
That's the thing. Peter and I have chatted a lot recently about getting older. We talk about what 50 year olds looked like when we were young. Women had short hair (usually permed), wearing 3/4 length pants and an overshirt. Perhaps it's a Gen X thing, butI look at contemporaries and we seem to be ageing in a different way. Staying true to our younger self, but filled with more experience and confidence. Has the getting of wisdom enabled us to become more critical/radical/emapthic as we age? We're the generation that grew up not in the light of world war, but in the shadow of nuclear annihilation. Our parents generation left school at 13 or 14 and went to work. Did this make them grow up quicker? It's hard to believe that our current understanding of teenagers didn't begin until the 1950s. Maybe each generation feels this? Redefining what age looks like and how it is different from the generation before.
How you behave when middle aged, can be deemed so very close to having a mid-life crisis. Although I tend to associate that term with ridiculous sports cars and trophy wives, would someone look at how I'm ageing, in the same way? I've gotten more tattoos in my 40s - 50s than I have in my 20s - 30s. In fact I have two more booked in the coming months. And after a period of depression in my 30s (mainly due to where I was in life, and watching the door marked 'having kids' close) I've tried to figure out who I am and simply find more joy.
Looking in the mirror I can see lines appearing around my eyes. And as perimenopause is in full flight I wonder how the change in hormones will impact my skin. Will I recognise my own face as I age? It's already impacting my weight. I would never want to be someone chasing youth through plastic surgery. Alan educated us on the concept of 'scrotal ageing' and a treatment called - Scrotox! Yes, it's exactly what you imagine. I know ageing is a priviledge not everyone gets to experience. I had a friend who died aged 36 from complications of being HIV positive. I was younger than him when he died, and now I'm so much older. That's still hard to get my head around.
One of Alan's suggestions was to get younger friends. We were already onto that one. Peter and I both have friends in their 30s and 40s. I also work with people in their mid to late 20s. Yes, technically I'm as old as their parents, but they've also tried to persuade me to buy roller skates so we can start a social skating group! We talk about relationships, politics, movies, TV and music with our friends. There's an exchange of experiences and ideas. A dear friend who is 15 years younger than me, said she forgets how old I am as we just seem like contemporaries. We also have older friends, including someone in their 70s. Age is about attitude.
I wouldn't want to be my critically shy, wracked with self doubt 20 year old self again. Longevity, experiences and relatioships have all helped shape me. I don't chase or yearn for youth, but I'm happy to be friends with it. Alan's Instagram bio reads: Scottish elf trapped inside middle aged man's body. He's retained the mischievous sparkle in his eyes, and his desire to party and experience new things. I see other examples of people ageing differently, Kim Gordon is 69 FFS! The 'Boys' in Beastie Boys seems funny now Mike D and Ad-Rock are in their late 50s. Similarly Jarvis Cocker is 59. Jon Spencer is 58. Mind blown. How did this happen?
It's true. Days seem long but years fly by. Blink and somehow I'm in my 50s rather than the 17 year old I still feel in my head. Yes bones creak, muscles ache, and there's always an audible groan when getting off the couch. Being in the middle of the middle is still a work in progress in my head. As I write this, I'm struck by how lucky I am. The lovely thing is that as years roll on, I'm sharing them with wonderful, inspiring people of all ages. Perhaps redefining what getting older looks like to them and myself.
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