13

Won't you tell me what you're thinking of?

Would you be an outlaw for my love?

I first heard these lyrics sung by Evan Dando. He was covering a Big Star classic. There is something innocent, beautiful and slightly melancholic about this song. Perhaps wistful, is the word I'm looking for? Channeling adolescant feelings of burgeoning love. At it's heart, two misunderstood kids with a love of music. When I met Peter I finally heard the original. Alex Chilton's voice is higher in tone, somehow more fragile than Evan's warm timbre. The song has always been very special to both of us. 

This week Peter and I celebrated our thirteenth wedding anniversary. Lucky 13, I joked. This song has been a constant soundtrack in my head all week. This year we haven't felt like celebrating. We are worn down. We are not alone. Somehow it seems that everyone around us is going through something major and people are hanging on by the skin of their teeth. Mentally, physically and emotionally wrung out.

Earlier in the year I had hoped to take some leave from work around our anniversary. To plan some nice things and spend time together. But Peter is dealing with getting his Dad into ongoing care (which is proving to be all consuming and more complicated than we'd ever imagined) and my work and study has felt exhausting and overwhelming. Trying to plan anything feels impossible. At the end of each day we talk through the latest installment of the stressful situations we're in. It's like a game of trauma ping pong. No one can let the ball drop, though.

Sat on the couch, we remind ourselves that 'this too shall pass'. That when you're going through hell the only thing to do is keep going. What these life challenges remind me of, is that we are a team. We listen to and support eachother as best we can. We still joke around, making the other cry with laughter. We dance in the kitchen to music while we make dinner and talk about both trivial and important stuff.

We had planned to grab some takeaway on our anniversary. Monday night's are notoriously difficult as many restaurants and cafes are closed. I'd bought a bottle of champagne on sunday in preparation. I'd researched what was open locally which offered vegan meals, with the idea of trying something new. Both Peter and I arrived home from work tired. He was additionally frustrated by the ongoing saga of regional aged care and their inability to provide basic communication and admin. Trying something new suddenly fell in the 'too hard' basket. I ran up to our local asian restaurant (which is in walking distance). I ordered a meal we've eaten hundreds of times (salt and pepper tofu and vegetable noodles). As I walked back through the door Peter hit play on the stereo. Out rang the opening notes of the CD we'd made as a gift for our guests at our wedding. Some people offer bags of sugared almonds. We gave out a mixtape. 

These songs are synonymous with the early days of our relationship. Posting songs to each other's Facebook wall. The music for our wedding was something we'd focussed on the most. On a cold, wet Monday night, two tired people listened to songs that made them smile while dishing up takeaway. Peter opened the champagne and we hugged. Life is proving to be hard but it means we are thankful for a quiet night at home. Hearing these songs again transports me to another time. Remembering when love was new, and we had so much to learn about each other. Now, as we hit lucky 13, I sense how strong we are as a team. We are dealing with our own hardships while still endeavouring to support the other through theirs. I am grateful for being held by someone who loves me and gives gentle kisses to my forehead. Sometimes love is fireworks and excitement. And sometimes it's melancholic and wistful. 

I love you Peter. Happy 13th wedding anniversary.