It's a trap

When you're younger, you imagine that as you age, you'll somehow get your shit together or life will become easier. The terrible news is, it doesn't...and you don't. Somehow, at times, it feels more complex and overwhelming. I look at the young women I work with, and want to tell them - enjoy everything you can, as it gets harder as the years creep onwards.

I know that sounds very dire, or like I'm having a pity party. I'm not, I promise. I've just found aging more difficult than I imagined. With each step into a new decade, I've grown and developed. Experienced new and interesting things. Reflected on myself, my life and relationships. But I also feel that there's stuff noone ever tells you about. Noone really talks about certain aspects of aging as a woman.

I turned 50 in 2020 during Melbourne's COVID lockdown. I was surprisingly ok with that. It actually took the pressure off regarding having a party. I've been colouring my hair in two colours for a number of years. Adding blonde around my my hairline where I'm going grey, and in some places white! The rest of my hair is dyed auburn, as I'm not yet ready to 'lean into' natural grey hair. In some photos I've noticed the creeping of deeper lines on my forehead, and increased lines around my eyes. Laugh lines, which is one positive thing, I guess. As much as you can intellectualise the aging process, it feels different when you see it happening to yourself.

Perhaps the biggy for me is the roller coaster I've been on this year. It's been a tough time in a number of ways, and I found myself in a whirlwind of exhaustion, anxiety and depression. Exhausted by work, study triggering massive anxiety spikes, and finding those rare moments when I was alone (in my car, walking across campus to work etc.) with tears welling up and a knot in my throat. To most pepole I would have looked like I was fine. I went to work every day, got assignments in on time, but there have been waves of emotion crashing over me, which at times made it hard to breath. A dear friend sensed something was wrong. I wasn't myself. The tears flowed and I said I couldn't place my finger on what was causing these feelings. Life had been hard...fucking hard...so maybe this was the moment everything piled up so much I couldn't move under the weight of it all. She suggested speaking to someone.

While I contemplated what to do, I was chatting to my hair dresser. I asked her about ageing, and as she spoke of the impact perimenopause was having on her, the knot in my throat returned. As I lay back having my hair washed, tears ran quietly down my face. She patted my shoulder gently. I began talking to friends who are a similar age. Each had their story of the differing impact perimenopause has had on them. Having a boozy lunch at a friends place, we were out on the balcony while she rolled a cigarette. I teared up sharing with her that I didn't seem to be able to stop crying. Every day at some point - tears, for around the last six months. She grabbed my hand and took me inside to show me a book she'd read. It was about what happens to our hormones in the lead up to menopause. She said it had helped her. We spoke about how when you're younger, life is all about dealing with periods, trying to not get pregnant, or for some people, trying to get pregnant. Noone really talks about the next phase.

I spoke to my GP who googled a graph of what our estrogen and progesterone levels are doing during perimenopause. This haywire graph made me feel better, that I wasn't going crazy and that how I'd felt looked like these wayward lines.

Source

I went through a checklist of symptoms with my GP, which felt weirdly similar to the K10 (the mental health checklist). I knew I was struggling but somethings on the list terrified me - thank fuck I didn't have a feeling of something crawling under my skin! But I did have anger, anxiety, depression and a profound feeling of worthlessness. I had been waking up every morning at 3.30am, 4.30am and 5.30am with hot flushes, making sleep impossible. I've also put on a lot of weight, which gives me another reason to feel like crap. I found this checklist online, which covers a lot of what we went through. I also spoke to my Mum and discovered that depression had hit her hard during perimenopause.

Before I could proceed with treatment, my GP wanted to make sure I was up to date with all my general health tests. So off I went, for blood tests, some cardiology tests (thanks to having a heart murmur), and my first ever mammogram. After getting the all clear I've now been on a combo of estrogen gel and progesterone tablets. It's been three months and it's helped a lot...but aspects are persisting.

I began this year seeing Bikini Kill play, after reforming in their 50s. Last week I saw L7 play - each in their 60s and as fierce and formidable as ever. I look to women like 70 year old Kim Gordon to see how Gen X can age in a way that looks different to our Mother's generation. But it saddened me to think that many of my friends hadn't spoken about their experience of traversing the rampant and raging hormones portion of their life. It's weird how it felt like a sign of 'old age' to me, so I didn't really want to think about it. I was heading towards the end of something, which I associated with white haired old ladies with walking frames! The book recommended by my friend was Laura Briden's hormone repair manual. She writes of it like a second puberty, but on the way to a different level of hormones on the other side. Referencing the young girls we once were, pony loving, tree climbing adventurers, that changed when we got our periods. So perhaps we can be reintroduced to that girl once we're through this hormonal upheaval. I smiled thinking of this.

Weirdly I wonder if it's this different generation of women, but I suddenly seem to be seeing more social media and general discussions on perimenopause. Seemingly sparked by Imogen Crump having a hot flush on live breakfast TV and owning it. There are articles on the impact of perimenopause symptoms and how workplaces should support women, better training for doctors to recognise symptoms and suggested treatments and '5 things you need to know' about perimenopause. And Kaz Cooke also wrote a book about menopause!

The reality is that you have no choice but to go through this. If we're lucky we have good friends we can ask questions of and share experiences with. A good GP who will listen and suggest a path forward. A great partner who understands and supports you while you navigate the ups and downs. And perhaps an understanding of your body, ageing and how to be kind to yourself.