I haven't written in a while. In all honesty, I haven't had the brain space or the energy. I can't explain exactly how exhausted I've been. Both Peter and I returned home after his Dad's funeral and were back at work a few days later. And although we both felt the enormous weight we'd been shouldering lift after his death, keeping ourselves upright and one foot after the other mentality of the last three years hit us full force like a tsunami. When people asked us how we were, there was kindness in their eyes as they saw our tiredness as processing grief. It wasn't. It was the aftermath of prolonged and intensified stress. Finally being able to stop, made us feel like we wanted to collapse.
I crawled through each week at work and then tried to rest all weekend. Even small errands felt like climbing mountains. I attended a work meeting via zoom where the topic was burnout. I set myself up in a room away from everyone else in the office. I watched most of it with my camera and mic turned off, as I cried listening to the signs of burnout and stress. At that point I knew I had to do something. I arranged to take a couple of days off and work some short weeks. I had tickets to a gig (The Lemonheads), and then the following week was my birthday. I was keen to do something nice with Peter, but my birthday also coincided with my car being repaired. Yes, I'd been hit from behind shortly after returning to work. This forced us to keep it local. A walk to our favourite cafe, and a night tour of the ex-prison we live near. It sounds like an odd choice, but it was interesting and honest, rather than sensationalised. Run by the National Trust, the multimedia was amazing. The following day I went for a massage and then Peter and I went to the pub for a pint. On Saturday morning I trammed it into the city to our favourite record store to watch a performance by Robert Forster (from the Go-Betweens) and had coffee with a friend. That evening Peter and I had tickets to the Malthouse Theatre to see The Birds. In four days I'd done more than I had in two months! It felt good. A focus on fun rather than rest.
Work resumed, and the buoyancy I felt began to sink. It's hard to feel energetic in the depths of a very cold winter. I managed to get myself out the door late on a Sunday afternoon to see a friends band. I saw people I hadn't seen in ages and smiled and danced. The following week we were offered free tickets to a movie - Ellis Park, featuring a Q&A with the director Justin Kurzel and star Warren Ellis, by someone we'd met through Instagram. It was a wet and cold friday night on the other side of town. Yes, we crossed the river - a local Melbourne joke. The documentary made me cry, but it was a really wonderful night. Peter and I felt proud that we'd said yes to something on a whim, which in our brains felt like a huge effort. The following night I had tickets to see the british band Supergrass. A gig which was originally supposed to take place in 2020!
Over the cource of a month we'd begun to say yes to things. To make the effort when it felt easier to stay home in front of the heater in pyjamas. We even tried new things off the specials board at our favourite cafe, rather than eat what we always choose. The muscle memory of spontaneity had kicked back in. We're both still tired, but Peter said he had begun to feel like a younger version of himself. He's focussing on future plans and saying yes to gigs with friends. It's positive steps forward after being tethered in place for years by his Dad's ill health.
Last week I caught up with a friend. They've taken extended leave from our workplace to focus on their physical and mental health. I honestly felt like I've been headed down this path. Another work friend was suffering burnout and moved into a different role. Eventually they left and got a job at another institution and is rebuilding herself. It feels like everyone is coming out of dark times. We've all held it together through COVID and lockdowns, life difficulties and challenges. It's time to remember who we were or figure out who we want to be. My friend who is on leave said something over our brunch together. 'You need to ask for what you want'. So last week I asked for another couple of days off in the coming weeks, and raised the posibility of working some shorter weeks over the next six months.
I need to find balance. Try to look after my own health and regain my energy. The muscle memory brought on by fun things only lasts so long. This tells me the balance isn't quite right yet. But hopefully some rest and care, coupled with interesting and fun things will help guide me back to better mental and physical health. At least I'm off the couch and saying yes to things again.
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