I'm four sessions in. I thought it would be interesting to record this process, as it's proving different from my previous experiences. In my last post I mentioned that I was seeing a psychologist because of the impact of anxiety on my life. I've spoken to professionals before, and done a LOT of self reflection and deep thinking about my life and relationships. Intellectualising and understanding the cause of my psychological make-up hasn't helped me get past the feelings. I was hoping someone new might show me a way to calm my nervous system and deal with the past.
The first session was what you expect. Stepping through what has brought me to seek help. An overview of my life, complicated relationships, concerns I have about the physical impact anxiety is having on me etc. There were lots of tears, as I'd waited months with these words inside me to be released. I said I was ready to deal with this and I wanted change. I wanted to let go. Be lighter. Released from the cycle of feelings and thoughts. My psych smiled and said it was going to be great to work with me on this, and that I seemed warm and easy to talk to. It felt weirdly validating.
The second session took a turn from the usual talking therapy I'd been used to. It's amazing how walking into a room with someone you don't know very well, but who is focussed entirely on you, will make you let go of the control you have over yourself. The walls which enable you to walk through life functioning, tumble to the ground. We talked about where in my body I felt the anxiety. Was there anywhere in my body that felt calm or safe. I closed my eyes, held my hands to my calm space and breathed. I was asked if either space had colours or did it look like anything. Yes, I found this odd, but I just rolled with it. She then came closer and spoke quietly to me. Still with my eyes closed I was asked to mentally head toward the safe core. Move the other aspects of me aside; the manager, the hurt child and find who I am at my core. 'It's just you' she said quietly, 'you're safe'. For some reason the word just hit me hard. I sobbed. I felt exposed and vulnerable. Alone. When she gently asked who this person is, I pictured a photo of me. Around primary school age, feeding a deer. When asked to describe the person at my core, I said two words...quiet kindness.
Days after the session I felt lighter. The hurt child wasn't who I am at my core. She's isn't the foundation the rest of me is built around. I could move her to one side gently. And perhaps more revaltory is the fact that the quiet kind person at my core is someone I like. Mind fucking blown!
Session three we began to tackle my relationship with Dad. He died in 2012. I had a difficult relationship with him because of his anger. In conversations with my Mum since he died, I have learned even more about his behaviour. Things from when I was small that I don't remember, and things I didn't understand within their marriage. I'm keen to talk about these historical stories as I've been trying to understand where the anxiety comes from. In hearing these stories I'm filled with anger and sadness. I've not known what to do with this knowledge and how to manage the additional complexity this adds to an already shitty memory I had of Dad.
Eyes closed. Identify the anxiety in my body and the calm safe space. My psych asked me to picture my Dad nearby. What age is the hurt person? She's young, but when asked what I would say to him, I'm suddenly a teenager. Riddled with self doubt, fear and anger. 'Why were you such a fucking cunt to us?' I say quietly. Louder, I'm instructed. 'Why were you such a fucking cunt to us?'. I feel pressure on the front on my calves. My psych has rolled an exercise ball towards me and is pressing it against my legs. Hit the ball and say it again. At this point, wiping away tears, I burst out laughing as I punch the ball. I do as I'm instructed a few more times, but laugh and cry at the same time. Now I'm asked if I had an older male role model growing up? No, our relaltives were mainly overseas and we didn't have a lot of visitors to the house when I was young. My psych changes tact. Do I have a female hero? Nodding, I picture Daria Morgendorffer. Is there a male who is friends with the hero? Um...yes (hello Trent Lane). Now imagine what this person would say to you. Smirking, eyes closed, I answer: 'he would say I was a cool chick with great taste in music'. Now imagine him stranding between you and your Dad, protecting you. Visualise the threads between your Dad and yourself being cut, or untied. I tried, but the threads kept regrowing. I don't blame my choosing a cartoon character for this. Perhaps I should have chosen Simon Pegg in Shaun of the Dead mode. It's clear I have more to untangle. My homework was to see if I could remember any happy memories of Dad.
Session four began talking through my week. I'd been to see Kim Gordon in conversation about her art and play live. I had a great time and I said how inspiring it was to see a 71 year old woman be creative. My psych asked about my relationship with creativity and I mentioned writing this blog. How it began as part of a course I was doing but became a safe space during my break up with my Ex. A place for my words, my side of the story as I didn't have a voice in the break up. I shut down just trying to get through it, having verbal abuse hurled at me daily for three months before I moved out. And at one point trapped by his rage in a room, while he punched and broke a cupboard door. I wept while recounting this. My psych rolled her chair closer, explaining she was going to try EMDR. Basically I had to follower her hand with my eyes as she moved it side to side, while thinking about the break up and abuse. At the end of each instance (about 10 moves) I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then reported what I felt. It could be emotions, physical sensations or thoughts. We did the process many, many times. Sometimes I felt calm, other times emotions surged from nowhere and I cried. At times I felt the tension in my body, my lungs breathing deeper, or calmness. She assured me there was no wrong way to do this. Yes, it felt weird and a bit confusing. But I'm commited to rolling with this experience.
Next she asked what mindset would have helped during the break up. Would saying 'I am strong', 'I am confident' have helped? 'It wasn't my fault' was all I could think. Apparently that's too negative, so she flipped it...to 'I am worthy'. Again this hit a nerve. The feeling of worthlessness is deep rooted. I sobbed. Deep breath. Watching her hand, I had to think on repeat 'I am worthy'. It was hard, and uncomfortable. But eventually also humorous. We both laughed as I tried to rate my feeling of worthiness out of 7. It stayed at 0 for a while, before skyrocketing to 2 and eventually 4.
I am emotionally drained after each session. I continually hit nerves and cry...a lot. I was chatting to a friend recently who has been seeing psychologists recently to deal with family trauma. I said how this experience was different as I'm not talking, rationalising or intellectualising my past. We both agreed that perhaps a treatment that helped unlock the feelings held within our bodies would work better than tackling thoughts in our heads. I don't know if this will work, but it's worth trying something different.
During these last few weeks I've had lyrics from a Sleater Kinney song in my head. Carrie wrote a lot of the songs for their latest album after her Mum and step Dad were killed in a car crash on holiday overseas. So much of the album is about mental health and grief. This chorus feels like my soundtrack. I can't out think or out run the past any more.
Comments