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A great brooch gifted by a lovely work friend |
I started a journey over five years ago which ended today. Making the decision took me 12 months. I still have a slight niggle in the back of my brain about it, but I do know I've made the right choice for me. I requested an early exit from my Masters degree, to leave with a Graduate Diploma. The university approved this, confirming I'd completed enough subjects and I've submitted the request for graduation (in absentia). It's made me reflect on what study has meant for me, and how the reason for studying changed over those years.
I remember a conversation with a work friend, while we were lucky enough to be at a conference interstate together in 2018. I'd finished my library degree in 2013 and was considering doing my masters in librarianship. He wisely pointed out that I was already a librarian with years of experience. I didn't need to be MORE librarian. Perhaps I should think about studying something for myself. Something I was interested in. This fresh perspective stopped me in my tracks. I then began looking around online and found a masters of communication with a specialisation in digital media. I was excited and terrified in equal measure. The course included a large research project which honestly intimidated the crap out of me. But sometimes in life, you just need to start something and worry about the scary bits later.
It's felt weird working in higher education, being surrounded by smart people with impressive qualifications. I haven't ever felt pressured to do further study, and it's honestly not really something my family has a history of either. My parents are from the generation that left high school in their early teens. I guess in some way I wanted to see if I could do this. Complicated things were happening at work, so I thought a degree in something else would give me different options for jobs elsewhere. Would a different life path appear once I'd started this new journey?
I've always worked full time and studied part time. What I found, was unlike my online bachelors degree, I couldn't juggle multiple subjects and assignment deadlines with my job commitments. Since completing the library degree I got a new role. One with workload issues. So I began study in 2019 at the glacial pace of one subject per semester. And unlike my previous online study experience (which was self paced), this new university required me to attend online tutes and interact with the lecturer and other students at a time which suited them. This meant either ducking to tutes while at work or spending nights online. Weekends were for reading course content and annual leave was spent writing assignments. And this crazy thing called COVID happened, which meant work was even more overwhelming and complicated. I have spent so much time sitting and staring at a laptop screen. The mental load of work and study was hard. I didn't have a lot of 'resting brain' time. I'd gone from someone who loved blogging and writing, to wanting to step away from the computer whenever I could. Ironically, my safe space to write was becoming neglected.
Post grad study has really challenged me. But weirdly not in ways I thought it would. What I discovered was that all those years as a librarian helping other students find material for their assignments had given me great research skills. Being an older student, I have critical thinking skills to apply to assignments, as well as strong opinions. And years of blogging helped me feel comfortable writing and finding my voice. I'm an advocate of academic writing being clear and easily understood by anyone, rather than the impenitrable, exclusionary wank some authors produce.
But unexpectedly it also completely hammered my confidence. Something odd happened. I got really good marks. This triggered massive imposter syndrome in me. I fixated on any criticism in the feedback. I became highly anxious while waiting on results, expecting each assignment to be the one where someone had figured out that I was actually a bit shit and didn't belong there. I put so much effort into each assignment to make sure I didn't fail. I thought I'd be scraping over the line. But sometimes I opened my marks and sat dumbfounded looking at the numbers. I've actually cried (both relief and happiness) at some of the feedback. But this was an exhausting emotional rollercoaster.
I requested a leave of absence from study this year. There was a lot happening in life (Peter's Dad going into care) and at work (an investigation into our workloads). It gave me space to focus on what I needed to. In talking to the folks looking at our job design, they taught me something which helped change my perspective. There is a difference between capability and capacity. Being overloaded, it's easy to feel like you're failing all the time. All you can see if the incomplete 'to do' list, rather than what you actually achieve. They kept asking me 'if you had time, do you think you could do this?' It made me realise the answer was yes.
I had reached a point in my study where the scary research capstone subject had finally arrived. I kept contemplating how I could do the research and write 8000 words in 11 weeks while working full time. Knowing myself, I also knew it would feel like failing if I couldn't finish the degree. I'm a plodder. I'll keep going with things to get over the finish line. Would the early exit leave me feeling like I had unfinished business? The leave of absence gave me space to work through all those feelings. I spoke to friends, two in particular who I love and respect immensely said they'd left with grad dips, not regretted it and that the decision didn't impact their careers. I'd also spent the last six months seeing a psych as my wellbeing really needed to be my priority.
I recently began receiving reminders about enrolling for 2025, including planning for my placement (three weeks of unpaid work, which I'd need to use more annual leave to complete). The thought of this made me realise I was done. I was 49 when I started the degree. At 54 I didn't want to keep wracking up student debt, and the new career path wasn't something I was seeking anymore. I began to realise that study was more about what I had learned through the journey, rather than a desired destination.
There were a few subjects that had a big impact on me and I feel I learned a lot. One lecturer in particular (who I had for two subjects) had a profound impact on me. Encouraging, funny, wonderfully engaging in her teaching style, Sally's words are something I hold dear. One assignment, her comment included 'you got the skills, girl'. At times when I felt my confidence waver, I would go back to her subjects and re-read her feedback. Full of friendly, witty words encouraging me. It felt like she really understood my writing style and...me. She helped me more than she'll know and I can't thank her enough.
The fact that this is over is still sinking in. I've been blogging more this year, and it feels so nice to be happily writing for me, without deadlines or marks. I had thought study would validate my writing or my involvement with social media at work. Prove that my approach to things wasn't a sham. What I realised is that feeling was inside me and study didn't make it go away. The internal voices only became quieter thanks to my psych, rather than my marks.
Exiting early is right for me. I'm disappointed, but I also know that I don't have the capacity to go on. Not right now anyway. So in the classic words of Kenny Rogers, I know when to fold 'em, and when to walk away. And that day is today.
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