It's the start of a new year. As the calendar changes over to January, I like to take a moment and reflect. A friend calls it a 'year in review'. The last 12 months have been quite the time. 2024 was a year of hard yards. A quick scroll through my instagram has reminded me that there were highlights. To be honest, they were the things that kept me going. I ended the year tired, but in a better place.
The first part of the year felt like a juggle. We had the deadline of clearing Peter's Dads house out, in regional Victoria. His health declined significantly in 2023 and he went into care. This meant selling the family home. We had a tight deadline to clear 35 years of history from a three bedroom home with four sheds! We filled three skips, did multiple trips to many local op shops, countless ute loads to the tip, donations to the local men's shed and friends of the library. We also had to get a storage unit for things we needed more time to sort through. Doing this over summer was hot, dirty work. Peter was literally mopping the floor as the new owner came through for the final inspection of the eve of sale. If you throw being fucked around by a bank who confirmed they held the title and were scheduled to had it over just prior to sale, suddenly backflipping with one week to go, you get a sense of the additional stress we felt. The title was later found at the local solicitor. It felt like a miracle that we managed to meet the deadline, but by the end we were physically and emotionally shattered.
The second half of 2024 was when a different type of hard work began. The hormone meds had settled my perimenopausal depression considerably, but my anxiety was through the roof. And thus began my journey with a new psych. I'm glad I wrote about the process, as it's felt like a life changing period in my life. I honestly feel quieter inside and I've made so many connections between life long thoughts and behaviours. I've also spent the last few months of the year trying something. Usually I'd subscribe to the saying 'what other people think of me is none of my business'. But when your self perception is off kilter, it can be handy to check your internal thinking against the people around you. I have made some really lovely friendships with people at work. I found out I'm the same age as one of their Mums! I feel surrounded by smart, inspiring, intelligent young women in their late 20s and early 30s. From chats at the pub, or notes they've given me as they change roles, I've begun to see myself through them. The ultimate example of this is that someone in my team nominated me for one of the quarterly division staff awards. When I saw what they wrote for the nomination I felt quite teary. In a large lecture theatre, I saw that there were about 20 nominated people and teams. But it was my name that was called out. That afternoon was the work chirstmas party. People congratulated me, gave me hugs and sent messages. It felt like an avalanche of love and recognition. I was overwhelmed. Later at the pub, colleagues joked asking if 'award winning Andy' would like a drink. At the beginning of the year I'd been battling feelings of worthlessness (something I've struggled with for years but also another super common symptom of perimenopause). By the end of 2024, I began to feel a shift in myself.
There is a great couple of lines in the song 'U Should Not Be Doing That' from Amyl and the Sniffers new album. Every time I hear Amy sing it I smile, thinking of my focus the the last six months of 2024.
But I'm working on my worth, I'm working on my work, I'm working on who I am
I'm working on what is wrong, what is right, and where I am
I know my worth, I'm not the worst, you told me once I was
[Post-Chorus]
I know my worth
It's still a work in progress, but at least there is progress!
Peter has had his own challenges this year. The ongoing decline of his Dad's health, while trying to manage all his life admin on top of our own. He also started seeing a new psych, which I'm pleased about as he's needed all the support he can get, navigating life right now. Similarly, he's been doing some deep digging around well worn thinking patterns. And similarly he's had shifts in understanding himself. We ended the year knowing we navigated some pretty confronting stuff. It's comforting to know that when doing the hard and difficult things we actually get closer. It's easy for the hard stuff to pull your relationship apart. And this has felt reassuring. We have each other's back. Always.
So as we begin 2025, I'm drawn to other lyrics. I heard this song on RRR on the way home one night. I got goosebumps listening to it. And as I've shared it with others, they've felt the same. 'Learn to Swim' by Joshua Idehen gives so many wise words for life. It's simple and beautiful. It's inspiring, funny and heartfelt. And this is the vibe I wanna take into the year ahead. Please listen. It's wonderful.
A dear friend gifted us a pack of destiny cards. Shuffle the deck and draw three cards. I don't believe they predict the future, but I like to contemplate the words presented to me. On January 1 I randomly pulled out these three words from the deck. I smiled. I could really do much worse for my start to 2025!
I've finished study. I'm trying to put boundaries around work and workloads for my self preservation. I'm continuing my sessions with my psych to work through some other stuff. And in our 16th year together, my relationship with Peter continues to grow deeper. 2025 is the year I'm hoping to address some of the physical health stuff I put aside because I was busy dealing with other things. I'm hoping I still find moments of joy to help keep me bouyed through the year ahead. And I hope especially that there is gentleness.
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