A friend and I were messaging via Facebook recently. As we discussed what was going on in our lives she jokingly suggested we needed to start a 'Tired Girls Club'. I offered to be the co-founding member. Looking at all the people around me, it really feels like everyone is exhausted. Life seems harder. The world feels chaotic.
I originally started writing this post in April, and now suddenly it's June. The reality is that most weekends I feel so tired I don't have the focus to write. Even now, it feels a struggle to know where this is going.
If I look around I'm surrounded by women who are talking about low iron and iron infusions, sleep troubles and sleep apnea, exhaustion and brain fog. Many of us joke that we are chatting to our doctors trying to navigate if these are perimenopause or menopause symptoms or something else lurking. Who can tell - check out the list of symptoms. My favourite lines: "Not all health issues and symptoms you experience in your midlife will be due directly to the menopause transition. Some changes might be related to ageing, life stress or other health conditions" and "symptoms can be physical, emotional, cognitive, or a combination of all". No wonder we are tired. Aging is a clusterfuck.
For me, the last few years have been taken up by navigating anxiety and depression brought on by the tsunami of hormone fluctuations. I've been so focussed on my mental health that my body became an after thought. It was the vessel my brain and emotions were carted around in. It needed to be my priority and I worked through a lot of stuff (see previous posts for a recap). But you can only ignore your body for so long.
A while ago I had an endoscopy. In talking to the anethesiologist, I mentioned my heart murmur. This was discovered when I had my wisdom teeth out in hospital aged 19 or 20. Tests were done at the time, and they essentially said 'just let people know about it if you ever have surgery or anesthetic'. The anethesiologist, with a furrowed brow, then asked who was looking after my heart, as a murmur at 20 is one thing, but now in my 50s someone needed to keep an eye on it. Fuck.
Two cardiologists later I've now had a bunch of tests. and tried a range of different medications. I would recommend getting second opinions (supported by my GP who wasn't happy with the first specialist). I've been breathless for the last few years. Is it the weight gain of menopause, the exhaustion of perimenopause or an aging heart which for some mysterious reason is enlarged. My second cardiologist has been great. I did have a minor freak out when one of his test referrals had the hand written words 'heart failure?'. One issue with being a librarian is the desire to research and understand things. I've done a lot of reading from hospital websites (always checking my sources). Luckily at this point he said although my heart is enlarged and my valves leaky, it's functioning well. We now think my breathlessness may be because of my lungs. As a life long asthma sufferer this wouldn't surprise me. I have more tests results waiting for me at the GP which might lead me on another path.
But one of the impacts of being tired and out of breath, is everything feels like a massive effort. I feel old and things ache. Peter and I joke that we can't get off the couch without making a noise. We're likely to pull a muscle simply laying weirdly in bed or sneezing. URGH! This wasn't what I thought my 50s would be like. I want to make changes and look after myself. I want to be stronger and more flexible. I'm hoping to get my shit together after I get the most recent test results.
Although I feel tired, it hasn't stopped me doing things I love. I just need to plan for rest. I'm not going for long walks like I should, but Peter and I have tickets to a lot of gigs and theatre. We realised a while ago that we prefer to be at the front of gigs, as there's noone in front obstructing my view. For larger gigs this means getting to the venure nearly an hour before the doors open. It's an endurance test of five hours of standing. But something magic happens when a band or performer you love, plays songs you adore. I have left gigs with face ache from smiling. Losing yourself in moments of music, pinching yourself that you are experiencing this. Moving your body, singing along to lyrics, taking photos and so much smiling.
This week I caught the very end of a segment on RRR. Their science communicator was referencing an article on awe. How a feeling of experiencing something bigger than yourself, can tap into your parasympathetic nervous system and increase your mental health and wellbeing. It explains why I feel different when I'm tired because of life rather than tired because I've been out experiencing something. Sad tired versus happy tired. Listless tired versus contented tired. Being brought outside yourself to feel in the moment.
I've realised that this is what I love and is actually really good for me. When Peter and I talk about retirement we want to hang out together and keep experiencing things. Art, theatre, gigs, travel. Maybe I'm an awe addict? But I know to look to the future I have to get myself in a better place now. Maybe the first rule of Tired Girls Club is to make sure we look after ourselves. And each other. To keep checking in on our friends. And ensuring we make time for doctors appointments, which can seem overwhelming to juggle with work and life stresses. But hey, we're worth it, right.
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