Sitting on the couch. It's late on a sunday evening. Sleepy thoughts are drifting towards bed and the work day ahead. Peter looks at me. Next thing my heart is racing. My whole head pounding with each heart beat. Loudly. Bewildered, confused, scared.
This was the moment (a number of weeks ago) we found out we had been cyberstalked and cyberbullied. There were our faces (taken from my Instagram account and information from this blog) on a blog by a white nationalist insisting we were someone we are not. What the actual fuck?!?
I'm someone who wears both my politics and beliefs on my sleeve. We've been to rallies, signed petitions etc. But compared to other people I know we are garden variety protesters. But somehow someone had convinced themselves by googling that we were a well-known antifascist blogger. This post was shared by patriot groups via Facebook. Comments flew - 'where do they live', 'we need to pay them a visit'. We froze... How do you convince someone that you aren't who they think you are without actually contacting them? The golden rule of the internet is not to engage with trolls. But this was something else.
Neither of us slept much that night. I walked into work, distracted. I was so aware of my face and wondered if anyone would be looking for it. You see, this person had posted details from our LinkedIn accounts, highlighting where we worked. How would I recognise someone who wanted to harm me? I found myself looking over my shoulder constantly.
Luckily I know we have a duress alarm at work, I know where all the security cameras are and I have a great relationship with security on campus. A workmate offered to walk me to my car that night. I was touched by the kindness and concern. Peter was contacted via messenger by the person we were accused of being. He offered to do a phone interview with us to play on his radio show to help prove we weren't the same person. You see, people being 'outed' as this person is a regular occurrence. Up to that moment we'd never been in contact. But he is aware that the right wing nationalists would of course threaten us, so wanted to help. Other people reached out online with support. It helped calm us.
We reported everything to the local police. But they don't seem equipped to deal with cyber-related incidents. Frustrated I did what all good librarians do...I searched for information. I discovered how to find out who hosts an internet site. I contacted the company and was passed to their legal team. They were great and had the content removed. But like a hydra, up it popped somewhere else. Second internet company, same support for us. Another head popped up, even after the radio interview was played this person would not admit they got it wrong.
Weeks were going by. I realised I was aware at all times. Sounds outside (cars idling, loud unfamiliar voices), faces on the street. Would this be someone who was searching for us? It's exhausting. I had largely tried to ignore the content of the post as I was too distressed. Whenever I looked at it the pounding in my head returned. But I had to face my demons and screen shot it as evidence. I saw the content. Like all schoolyard bullies information that they perceived as a weakness was used against us. Fat shaming. Twisting the knife about mental health (both depression and anxiety) which Peter and I have both had experience with. Reducing the complex relationship with my Dad into 'Daddy issues'. Showing photos of our cats to make it seem all facets of our life were known. Driving home I had two thoughts. Trying to hang shit on a Gen X is hard because self loathing and sarcasm runs deep. And secondly, we have watched the movie Pride at least every six months for the last 18 months. It's message - take the crap they try to hurt you with and own it. Those words then lose their power. Sure, call me overweight or anxious. Whatever. A friend also shared a great phrase with me many years ago...what other people think of me is none of my business. I hold this true, especially with people I don't like or respect. The only opinions that do matter are from those I like, love, adore and respect. Their's are the only words that count. And this has helped us get through the awful moments when we feel worn down by this crap.
I understand that what was written was done to make us feel vulnerable, exposed, unsettled and upset. Mission accomplished. I also had a realisation. The hyper vigilance we felt must be what other people experience. The 'discussions' about marriage equality, trans people and refugees in the news and online, must make these groups feel picked apart and dissected. I wondered if they also walked down the street keeping an ear out for abuse or threats. It made me grateful for the wonderful community I live and work in. Surrounded by diversity and many like minded souls. I'm also thankful for everyone who has reached out to us, checked on our wellbeing or just given us a hug when we needed one.
Because of this incident I have had to change the privacy settings on my instagram account. I triple checked Facebook, which was locked down tight anyway. I also set this blog to private. This one hurt...a lot. This has become a space for me to write and think through things. At times it's given me a voice when I felt I didn't have one in life. I do subscribe to the Amanda Palmer school of thinking - the only way to connect authentically with people is to be vulnerable, honest and reach out with an open heart. I still subscribe to this, which is why I'm still writing even though noone can read it right now. Hopefully they will in the future. People have been surprised by what I write, but it's also meant other people have reached out to me, sharing their own experiences.
After figuring out we can't keep cutting the hydra's head off without more appearing we are following up on a suggestion from a friend. Next week we lodge a personal safety intervention order with the Magistrates Court. We feel this is the best way to protect ourselves and finally create a consequence for writing anything untrue and hurtful about us. But, these sorts of people are also batshit crazy and we are worried what will happen. We keep our fingers crossed that an end to the hate is in sight.
Wish us well, and any offers of hugs and support greatly appreciated.
This was the moment (a number of weeks ago) we found out we had been cyberstalked and cyberbullied. There were our faces (taken from my Instagram account and information from this blog) on a blog by a white nationalist insisting we were someone we are not. What the actual fuck?!?
I'm someone who wears both my politics and beliefs on my sleeve. We've been to rallies, signed petitions etc. But compared to other people I know we are garden variety protesters. But somehow someone had convinced themselves by googling that we were a well-known antifascist blogger. This post was shared by patriot groups via Facebook. Comments flew - 'where do they live', 'we need to pay them a visit'. We froze... How do you convince someone that you aren't who they think you are without actually contacting them? The golden rule of the internet is not to engage with trolls. But this was something else.
Neither of us slept much that night. I walked into work, distracted. I was so aware of my face and wondered if anyone would be looking for it. You see, this person had posted details from our LinkedIn accounts, highlighting where we worked. How would I recognise someone who wanted to harm me? I found myself looking over my shoulder constantly.
Luckily I know we have a duress alarm at work, I know where all the security cameras are and I have a great relationship with security on campus. A workmate offered to walk me to my car that night. I was touched by the kindness and concern. Peter was contacted via messenger by the person we were accused of being. He offered to do a phone interview with us to play on his radio show to help prove we weren't the same person. You see, people being 'outed' as this person is a regular occurrence. Up to that moment we'd never been in contact. But he is aware that the right wing nationalists would of course threaten us, so wanted to help. Other people reached out online with support. It helped calm us.
We reported everything to the local police. But they don't seem equipped to deal with cyber-related incidents. Frustrated I did what all good librarians do...I searched for information. I discovered how to find out who hosts an internet site. I contacted the company and was passed to their legal team. They were great and had the content removed. But like a hydra, up it popped somewhere else. Second internet company, same support for us. Another head popped up, even after the radio interview was played this person would not admit they got it wrong.
Weeks were going by. I realised I was aware at all times. Sounds outside (cars idling, loud unfamiliar voices), faces on the street. Would this be someone who was searching for us? It's exhausting. I had largely tried to ignore the content of the post as I was too distressed. Whenever I looked at it the pounding in my head returned. But I had to face my demons and screen shot it as evidence. I saw the content. Like all schoolyard bullies information that they perceived as a weakness was used against us. Fat shaming. Twisting the knife about mental health (both depression and anxiety) which Peter and I have both had experience with. Reducing the complex relationship with my Dad into 'Daddy issues'. Showing photos of our cats to make it seem all facets of our life were known. Driving home I had two thoughts. Trying to hang shit on a Gen X is hard because self loathing and sarcasm runs deep. And secondly, we have watched the movie Pride at least every six months for the last 18 months. It's message - take the crap they try to hurt you with and own it. Those words then lose their power. Sure, call me overweight or anxious. Whatever. A friend also shared a great phrase with me many years ago...what other people think of me is none of my business. I hold this true, especially with people I don't like or respect. The only opinions that do matter are from those I like, love, adore and respect. Their's are the only words that count. And this has helped us get through the awful moments when we feel worn down by this crap.
I understand that what was written was done to make us feel vulnerable, exposed, unsettled and upset. Mission accomplished. I also had a realisation. The hyper vigilance we felt must be what other people experience. The 'discussions' about marriage equality, trans people and refugees in the news and online, must make these groups feel picked apart and dissected. I wondered if they also walked down the street keeping an ear out for abuse or threats. It made me grateful for the wonderful community I live and work in. Surrounded by diversity and many like minded souls. I'm also thankful for everyone who has reached out to us, checked on our wellbeing or just given us a hug when we needed one.
Because of this incident I have had to change the privacy settings on my instagram account. I triple checked Facebook, which was locked down tight anyway. I also set this blog to private. This one hurt...a lot. This has become a space for me to write and think through things. At times it's given me a voice when I felt I didn't have one in life. I do subscribe to the Amanda Palmer school of thinking - the only way to connect authentically with people is to be vulnerable, honest and reach out with an open heart. I still subscribe to this, which is why I'm still writing even though noone can read it right now. Hopefully they will in the future. People have been surprised by what I write, but it's also meant other people have reached out to me, sharing their own experiences.
After figuring out we can't keep cutting the hydra's head off without more appearing we are following up on a suggestion from a friend. Next week we lodge a personal safety intervention order with the Magistrates Court. We feel this is the best way to protect ourselves and finally create a consequence for writing anything untrue and hurtful about us. But, these sorts of people are also batshit crazy and we are worried what will happen. We keep our fingers crossed that an end to the hate is in sight.
Wish us well, and any offers of hugs and support greatly appreciated.
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