I made it. I finished the first year of my Masters. I got through 2 subjects while working full time. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but it certainly felt like it was. It's been quite a full on year, juggling assignments and work and life. Or what was supposedly passing for a life while I hibernated over weekends try to keep up. I decided not to do a subject in the third trimester, as the thought of doing assignments over the christmas break was too depressing for words. So, I'm taking a breather.
Just over a year ago I wrote about all the fears I had regarding study, especially as this was outside my comfort zone. Not libraries. A whole new ball game. And for the most part I've done pretty ok. But I did have a massive freak out. Convinced I was going to fail the second assignment this semester past. I'd asked the lecturer a question and gone forth based on her answer. I tuned into the recorded online lecture the following week after I'd submitted the assignment, and instead of covering a new topic she went through the assignment in more detail. Within the first seven minutes I'd already identified a few things I'd done differently, based on her answer to the question I'd asked. I spiraled, completely panicked and in a rage at the confusion of instructions. Freaking the fuck out.
When I mentioned this to friends, they were lovely. They shared calming stories of their own battle with study. Including needing to do really well, sometimes at the detriment of their own mental health. Pushing themselves to the point of crippling anxiety. 'It's a roller coaster' they said. Some assignments you ace, while others you just scrape through to a pass. I would learn to ride that wave, they said. It's all new, and maybe I was placing too much pressure on myself.
As useful as it was to hear their kind words and hear their own struggle with study...it didn't hit a cord. I've always been a student who is up and down. All through high school I was busy going out and did just enough to get by. My library degree depended on the subject. I did really well in subjects I liked, while others felt like pulling teeth. Urgh. And my marks reflected this. Passes through to High Distinctions. I got the roller coaster and was on board with the idea that 'Ps get degrees'.
So why was I in such a tail spin? I felt sick for days. Pounding heart and full of rage at my lecturer. After a few weeks I got the hell assignment back and still managed to do really well, even with the bits I'd identified from the lecture that should have been done differently. I was dumbfounded. It made me realise that every time I hit the 'assessment' link in our online subject, I held my breath and say the words 'all I need is a pass' in my head. And there it was. The answer.
I wasn't placing pressure on myself to get great marks. I didn't feel the need to excel and ace the assignments. Deep down, I still feel like it's a miracle I'm passing. It always feels like a knife edge between pass and fail. But the reality is that I'm getting some of the highest marks I've ever received for anything ever. This is actually blowing my tiny mind. And there it is. The imposter is still looming large. My inbuilt default setting is 'not good enough'. Even though I've grown in confidence in many ways as I've gotten older, if I dig deeper, I seem to be built on a core of complete insecurity. Fuck it.
Maybe this will get easier as the degree goes on. Maybe I'll learn to ride the roller coaster that is me battling myself. In the meantime I guess I'm learning lots of things, including a lot about myself. And maybe that's the point of study? You learn information, test your knowledge, acquire skills such as critical thinking, research, communication and dealing with stress. And through all of this you might learn things about yourself. Or even develop as a person.
I wouldn't suggest this as a viable or cost effective option for therapy. But I do love a good self reflection and this ironically is helping with study. I've had to do a couple of reflexive assignments this year. This blog has become a great space for a bit of navel gazing, figuring out what I think of things or why I do stuff or react the way I do. I guess I'll just have to keep holding my breath as I click the assignment link to find out my marks. I'll sit with my uncomfortable core of self doubt and take everything one deep breath at a time. Maybe it will get easier, maybe it won't. But at least I've learnt what drives that panic. The pounding heart. The deep intake of breath. Any why I cry sometimes, overwhelmed by the comments on my work. Astounded by what they see in my words and thoughts. Things I'm unable to see in myself.
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