I recently read something funny that said 'Tradition is peer pressure from dead people'. I laughed. A lot. It can feel like that. People unwilling to change because 'this is how we've always done things'. I would usually say that this kind of attitude is frustrating. Particularly when it comes to progressive thinking or society moving with the times. But this week I've come to realise the comfort that is found in tradition.
Christmas is a crazy time of year. It can be stressful, tiring, expensive, confronting or delightful. It's not a joyous sleigh-ride for everyone. There are tons of reasons that this is a hard time of year. But the issue we seem to be dealing with in recent years is how to have Christmas when a family member is missing.
Our Christmases were a juggle between my family and Peter's. Alternating between Christmas Day and Boxing Day. There was always travel involved for someone as our parents live at opposite ends of the state. My Dad died seven years ago but I have two brothers and nieces and nephews which Mum is surrounded by over the summer break. We all had a complex relationship with Dad and we have kept reinventing Christmas for years. The gap left by his death was having no-one to make the brandy butter for Mum's Christmas pudding. There was always a debate between everyone - you see Dad made brandy butter like peanut butter...in smooth or crunchy, depending on which sugar he used. I was always on the side of crunchy (using raw sugar) as this was what I had grown up with. I didn't even know it could be different! But the family debate we had every single year, disappeared when he wasn't there to make it.
Peter has now had three Christmases without his Mum. This is slightly more complex as he's an only child and his Dad lives nearly four hours away. The first Christmas we invited him to our place. But as his own health has declined, it's meant traveling to him. Last year Peter and I spent the day apart, each with our own family. But this year my Mum suggested something...having Christmas the weekend before so everyone could be together and taking the pressure off trying to be multiple places on one specific day.
Ironically, this great gesture was thwarted when my eldest brother and his son were so ill they couldn't get out of bed! But the rest of us got together and had a relaxing day of eating and chatting. We then jumped in the car and headed to the other end of the state. We took food and drink with us, and even Christmas crackers. I'd measured out ingredients at home so I could whip up sticky toffee pudding easily. We sat and chatted with paper hats on, reading the terrible cracker jokes to each other. There were elements of Christmas but I was having trouble getting into the spirit 100%. Until Peter googled something on his phone. Every year I try to add to my collection of tacky and fabulous Christmas music. This year I discovered a gem - Pink Martini 'Joy to the World' - a jazzy, international flavoured CD. Unique arrangements that had me singing along to some of my least favourite festive songs! Peter found the playlist on YouTube, stuck his phone is a small mixing bowl and suddenly the kitchen was filled with the spirit of Christmas. Now, even though everything was different, it felt right.
I know how much Peter and his Dad were both aware of the person missing from the table. But they both began to reminisce, sharing memories of places they had lived and how their Christmases were always different. Sometimes interstate, sometimes out for lunch, sometimes with extended family, and on one occasion very drunk on a boat in Hobart. Peter mentioned a year when they tried to take the pressure off his Mum and insisted on a casual BBQ. Apparently his Mum hated it! She would rather the stress of cooking all the traditional Christmas food.
And I guess this is where tradition steps in. Life will change, people will be missed, locations may vary but there will be one or two things that help make Christmas feel like Christmas. For me it's the magic of fairy lights, wearing cracker hats all day long and christmas music. It can also be flavours - pavlova, trifle or boozy pudding. Or crunchy brandy butter.
Sometimes things are relegated to christmases past, fond memories to share when figuring out how to redefine family moments. The world will continue to change and people and places will ebb and flow, but I'm beginning to learn what small things I need to feel festive. Tiny traditions that come with me each year. A hint of something old to create something new.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.
xx
Christmas is a crazy time of year. It can be stressful, tiring, expensive, confronting or delightful. It's not a joyous sleigh-ride for everyone. There are tons of reasons that this is a hard time of year. But the issue we seem to be dealing with in recent years is how to have Christmas when a family member is missing.
Our Christmases were a juggle between my family and Peter's. Alternating between Christmas Day and Boxing Day. There was always travel involved for someone as our parents live at opposite ends of the state. My Dad died seven years ago but I have two brothers and nieces and nephews which Mum is surrounded by over the summer break. We all had a complex relationship with Dad and we have kept reinventing Christmas for years. The gap left by his death was having no-one to make the brandy butter for Mum's Christmas pudding. There was always a debate between everyone - you see Dad made brandy butter like peanut butter...in smooth or crunchy, depending on which sugar he used. I was always on the side of crunchy (using raw sugar) as this was what I had grown up with. I didn't even know it could be different! But the family debate we had every single year, disappeared when he wasn't there to make it.
Peter has now had three Christmases without his Mum. This is slightly more complex as he's an only child and his Dad lives nearly four hours away. The first Christmas we invited him to our place. But as his own health has declined, it's meant traveling to him. Last year Peter and I spent the day apart, each with our own family. But this year my Mum suggested something...having Christmas the weekend before so everyone could be together and taking the pressure off trying to be multiple places on one specific day.
Ironically, this great gesture was thwarted when my eldest brother and his son were so ill they couldn't get out of bed! But the rest of us got together and had a relaxing day of eating and chatting. We then jumped in the car and headed to the other end of the state. We took food and drink with us, and even Christmas crackers. I'd measured out ingredients at home so I could whip up sticky toffee pudding easily. We sat and chatted with paper hats on, reading the terrible cracker jokes to each other. There were elements of Christmas but I was having trouble getting into the spirit 100%. Until Peter googled something on his phone. Every year I try to add to my collection of tacky and fabulous Christmas music. This year I discovered a gem - Pink Martini 'Joy to the World' - a jazzy, international flavoured CD. Unique arrangements that had me singing along to some of my least favourite festive songs! Peter found the playlist on YouTube, stuck his phone is a small mixing bowl and suddenly the kitchen was filled with the spirit of Christmas. Now, even though everything was different, it felt right.
I know how much Peter and his Dad were both aware of the person missing from the table. But they both began to reminisce, sharing memories of places they had lived and how their Christmases were always different. Sometimes interstate, sometimes out for lunch, sometimes with extended family, and on one occasion very drunk on a boat in Hobart. Peter mentioned a year when they tried to take the pressure off his Mum and insisted on a casual BBQ. Apparently his Mum hated it! She would rather the stress of cooking all the traditional Christmas food.
And I guess this is where tradition steps in. Life will change, people will be missed, locations may vary but there will be one or two things that help make Christmas feel like Christmas. For me it's the magic of fairy lights, wearing cracker hats all day long and christmas music. It can also be flavours - pavlova, trifle or boozy pudding. Or crunchy brandy butter.
Sometimes things are relegated to christmases past, fond memories to share when figuring out how to redefine family moments. The world will continue to change and people and places will ebb and flow, but I'm beginning to learn what small things I need to feel festive. Tiny traditions that come with me each year. A hint of something old to create something new.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.
xx
Image: Tim Parkinson - Lights
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