Like everyone else I know, I'm exhausted. It seems this weird place and time we find ourselves in has zapped so many of us of basic levels of energy. It's a strange phenomenom but hardly surprising when you think of the hyper vigilance we've experienced for almost 12 months. Lockdowns, rings of steel, working from home and seeing most people we know in 2D through screens. And as much as this introvert has coped quite well bunkered down at home, I feel I'm struggling.
I've gone back to work in a week on/week off site approach. One week I am tethered to a computer at home, the next I'm running around chatting to people, coordinating the return to work for my team and doing physical things like moving books and pushing trolleys. Ah...Librarian life. It doesn't sound like much, but returning to work is a complicated affair, filled with bureaucracy and bad communication. This week the stress hit me. Big time.
It also coincided with a friend contacting me about going to a gig. A rare social luxury during a pandemic. Normally this would be an occasion for rejoicing. But my stress levels were so high that this just seemed like an extra thing added onto a pile of stuff overwhelming me. For self-preservation, I declined. I'm not suffering FOGO (fear of going out). In fact, I have been popping back on campus regularly for months to deal with the backlog of books (including quarantine procedures) when the lockdown eased. I haven't felt afraid of getting sick as I know what I need to do to keep safe.
What I've realised is that to cope with certain things, part of me has shut down. I haven't snapped back to normal now our covid case numbers are low. I have literally worn the same thing for months. Black jeans, converse sneakers, either a long or short sleeve black tshirt and a denim jacket (oh and a face mask of course). You see, it's one less decision I have to make each day. Crawl out of bed and put on something from the pile of black clothes. I've also put on weight (like so many people in 2020) so the thought of going out and trying on clothes from my wardrobe fills me with dread. I have a uniform. A coping uniform and all self expression is currently expressed through my choice of face mask!
There is also a birthday party coming up. Someone messaged me saying how a group of friends were discussing how much they are looking forward to dancing. For almost 12 months my dancing has been confined to saturday nights at home, listening to records and drinking cocktails. The thought of trying to find something to wear to a party is yet another stress. I used to love going out; gigs, date night, theatre. But it's been 12 months since I've worn lipstick and a skirt and heels. I'll be forced out of my uniform, which seems like one more tiring thing to think of.
I read an article recently about 7 Types of Rest. It felt quite enlightening, especially after the exhaustion we all felt getting through 2020. It highlights that sleep isn't always the solution. There are other types of rest or reinvigoration we need. From ensuring less screen time to taking breaks during work it all sounded like stuff I've read before. Except for 'creative rest' - the idea that we need something that takes our breath away. Beautiful scenery, oceans, forests, or art that speaks to us. This is what I feel is missing. Life has gotten smaller during 2020 with our focus being home or work, with an occasional side step but still within a very tight radius from where we live. When Peter is trapped in a mental health spiral, sometimes a visit to the gallery or theatre actually helps. It draws his attention away from inside his head and onto an emotional response to whatever we've seen. I felt like this after visiting the NGV on New Year's eve. Inspiring, playful, interactive, immersive. I need more of this. I also need a break. A moment to see scenery. It will be a while yet before we have anything approaching a proper holiday rather than a staycation or daytrips. But maybe planning something for the future will help my tired brain.
It's a comfort to know I'm not alone. 2020 burnout is real. Emotional, mental and physical exhaustion are the legacy and other long tail of covid 19. Just google 'exhaustion 2020' to see lots of articles discussing how we all feel. Presently there's no end in sight either. There might be another 6 - 12 months of this. A one step forward, two steps back approach to public health. That's not judgement, simply reality of a virus on a global scale.
One of the other types of rest from the article is emotional rest. Usually I look like someone who can keep on going. Pushes through hard stuff and keeps getting up each morning no matter how tired. But the long tail is whipping me and perhaps admitting this is a good thing. It's going to take time to shrug off the coping uniform and find my old self. Or perhaps the new person emerging out of this crazy pandemic pupate period. Just be gentle everyone. We've still got a way to go.
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